So....

[Ivorythumper]

@jon-nyc said in So....:

When I’m bored I’ll call the local Best Western hotel.

When they pick up the phone and say “Best Western,” I say “True Grit with John Wayne” and hang up.

One of the worst westerns, but you're pranking them, right?

[jon-nyc]

I’m writing a new book about the things I should be doing in life.

It’s an oughttobiography.

[Klaus]

This thread seems to evolve into a "worst dad joke" collection .

[Catseye3]

@Ivorythumper It's a worst western if you think of it as a Western. It's really a story that is set in the West -- that's different.

[George K]

@Klaus said in So....:

This thread seems to evolve into a "worst dad joke" collection .

You misspelled "degenerated."

[Ivorythumper]

@Catseye3 said in So....:

@Ivorythumper It's a worst western if you think of it as a Western. It's really a story that is set in the West -- that's different.

It’s a great story— Glen Campbell, and the pace, and the cinematography ruin it — it’s painful to watch.

Compare it to the 2010 Coen version, which is a masterpiece.

[George K]

Today, I got gas for $1.89!

Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.

[Catseye3]

@Ivorythumper I'm happy to take your word for it. I don't even remember it that well.

Also, I'm horribly uncritical about movies. It takes a very low bar for me to actually dislike a movie, so I'm probably not a great judge.

[jon-nyc]

Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

But then so was yesterday and look at how you fucked that up.

[George K]

@jon-nyc ...

[jon-nyc]

My grandfather was responsible for 35 downed German planes in WW-2.

Still to this day holds the record for the worst mechanic ever in the history of the Luftwaffe.

[jon-nyc]

Somebody threw a bottle of omega 3 fatty acids at me.

Fortunately my injuries were only super fish oil.

[Klaus]

@jon-nyc said in So....:

Somebody threw a bottle of omega 3 fatty acids at me.

Fortunately my injuries were only super fish oil.

This photo captures my reaction to this joke pretty well.

[jon-nyc]

Every time I go to the beach in my bathing suit, I can feel all the women dressing me with their eyes.

[Improviso]

Two women were playing golf.

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the
ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me.' she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right I'll be fine in a few minutes.' the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid
them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked 'How does that feel?'

He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.

[jon-nyc]

So…. my career as a karate instructor was tragically ended when parents found out I was wholly unqualified and just enjoyed kicking children.

[Ivorythumper]

@jon-nyc said in So....:

So…. my career as a karate instructor was tragically ended when parents found out I was wholly unqualified and just enjoyed kicking children.

Link to video

[George K]

Is my wife dissatisfied with my body?

A tiny part of me says yes.

[jon-nyc]

My new girlfriend was excited when she found out that my friends called me ‘the love machine’.

Then she found out it’s because I suck at tennis.

[jon-nyc]

Did I ever tell you about the time my dick was in the Guinness Book of World Records?

So anyway I got kicked out of the library.