So....

[jon-nyc]

I crashed my bike in 1973 and scraped my knee real bad.

We didn’t have internet then so I’m telling you now.

[Mik]

A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender, “If I show you a wild trick, will you give me a free drink?”
The bartender shrugs, “Sure, why not?”
The guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out… a tiny rat . Then out of the other pocket, he pulls a teeny-tiny piano .
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and starts playing the blues like a rodent Ray Charles.
Stunned, the bartender pours him a free drink .
After finishing it, the guy says, “Now, if I show you an even better trick, do I drink free all night?”
“Buddy, if you can top that, you’re drinking on me till closing,” the bartender replies.
The man pulls the rat and piano out again, and this time reaches into his coat and pulls out… a small bullfrog .
The frog clears his throat and starts belting out soulful blues lyrics. The rat’s playing, the frog’s singing — the bar is dead silent in awe.
Suddenly, a man rushes up and says, “I’ll give you $10,000 for that frog!”
The guy says, “Nope, not for sale.”
“$25,000!”
“Nope.”
“$50,000! Cash!”
“Deal.”
The bartender’s jaw drops. “Are you CRAZY? That frog was a gold mine! Why’d you sell him?”
The man smirks and says, “Relax. The frog can’t sing... the rat’s a ventriloquist.”

[jon-nyc]

Lol

[jon-nyc]

I saw a bird eating avocado toast.

I guess it was some sort of millennial falcon.

[jon-nyc]

I just turned wine into vomit.

Your move, Jesus.

[jon-nyc]

My wife asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive.

Apparently “Don’t worry, honey, your tits cover it” wasn’t the answer she was looking for.

[jon-nyc]

I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms.

Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.

[Horace]

Link to video

[jon-nyc]

Rectal Grease went and complained to HR and now we can't use nicknames at work anymore...

[Doctor Phibes]

@jon-nyc said in So....:

I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms.

Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.

Recent evidence suggest that a barrel full of monkeys is not half as much fun as previously claimed, and is, in fact, rather horrifying!

[jon-nyc]

What’s the difference between a dollar and a pound?

I don’t dollar your mom.

[jon-nyc]

My dad said to me “Do something you love, and you’ll never work a day in your life.”

He was right. I majored in philosophy and have been unemployed since.

[jon-nyc]

I got the wife tested for Tourette’s Syndrome and she came back negative.

Turns out I am a cunt and she does want me to fuck off.

[LuFins Dad]

@jon-nyc said in So....:

People’s IQ should be presented like the weather.

Actual IQ: 105
Feels like: 82

:spittake:

[jon-nyc]

I finally got to see my doctor on Monday and showed her the rash on my scrotum.

She just ignored me and kept pushing her cart through Costco.

[jon-nyc]

The good news about erectile dysfunction is it can be cured with a good diet and exercise.

The hard part is getting your wife to actually do it.

[jon-nyc]

I was holding a bottle of Paul Newman salad dressing when my niece asked me who Paul Newman was. I told her he was an actor, basically the Brad Pitt of my mom’s generation. Then she hit me with, “Who’s Brad Pitt?”

If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center eating applesauce.

[jon-nyc]

A shark can swim faster than me, but I can run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who’s the better cyclist.

[Doctor Phibes]

I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster. If anything, it made him more sluggish.

[jon-nyc]

Due to the really bad weather, I decided to ask my 83 year old neighbor if she needed anything from the grocery store. Turns out she did.

So I gave her my list. No point in both of us going out in this cold.