So....

[jon-nyc]

I just turned wine into vomit.

Your move, Jesus.

[jon-nyc]

My wife asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive.

Apparently “Don’t worry, honey, your tits cover it” wasn’t the answer she was looking for.

[jon-nyc]

I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms.

Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.

[Horace]

Link to video

[jon-nyc]

Rectal Grease went and complained to HR and now we can't use nicknames at work anymore...

[Doctor Phibes]

@jon-nyc said in So....:

I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms.

Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.

Recent evidence suggest that a barrel full of monkeys is not half as much fun as previously claimed, and is, in fact, rather horrifying!

[jon-nyc]

What’s the difference between a dollar and a pound?

I don’t dollar your mom.

[jon-nyc]

My dad said to me “Do something you love, and you’ll never work a day in your life.”

He was right. I majored in philosophy and have been unemployed since.

[jon-nyc]

I got the wife tested for Tourette’s Syndrome and she came back negative.

Turns out I am a cunt and she does want me to fuck off.

[LuFins Dad]

@jon-nyc said in So....:

People’s IQ should be presented like the weather.

Actual IQ: 105
Feels like: 82

:spittake:

[jon-nyc]

I finally got to see my doctor on Monday and showed her the rash on my scrotum.

She just ignored me and kept pushing her cart through Costco.

[jon-nyc]

The good news about erectile dysfunction is it can be cured with a good diet and exercise.

The hard part is getting your wife to actually do it.

[jon-nyc]

I was holding a bottle of Paul Newman salad dressing when my niece asked me who Paul Newman was. I told her he was an actor, basically the Brad Pitt of my mom’s generation. Then she hit me with, “Who’s Brad Pitt?”

If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center eating applesauce.

[jon-nyc]

A shark can swim faster than me, but I can run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who’s the better cyclist.

[Doctor Phibes]

I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster. If anything, it made him more sluggish.

[jon-nyc]

Due to the really bad weather, I decided to ask my 83 year old neighbor if she needed anything from the grocery store. Turns out she did.

So I gave her my list. No point in both of us going out in this cold.

[jon-nyc]

I wonder if my recorded call has ever been used for training or quality control purposes.

[jon-nyc]

My wife asked me where I’d like to be buried.

Apparently ‘balls deep in your sister’ wasn’t the answer she was looking for.

[jon-nyc]

Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mom and dad love each other - two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what's 'penetrating gays'?
Me: Er...read me the whole sentence
Her: "She stared at him with a penetrating gaze"
Me: Oh

[jon-nyc]

They say alcohol won’t solve your problems.

As if water will. At least alcohol tries.