So....

[jon-nyc]

I broke an egg making breakfast today.

The insurance company is sending out an adjuster tomorrow.

[jon-nyc]

I made a mushroom risotto from mushrooms I foraged locally.

Not only was it delicious but a Welsh choir of purple elephants sang the whole Bat Out Of Hell album accompanied by a light show.

[jon-nyc]

I signed up for my company’s 401k.

I’m a little nervous though. I’ve never run that far before.

[jon-nyc]

My wife complains I don't buy her flowers.

To be honest, I didn't even know she sold flowers.

[jon-nyc]

I told my wife I want to be cremated.

She made an appointment for Tuesday.

[taiwan_girl]

@jon-nyc I thought I remembered your joke. 555

https://nodebb.the-new-coffee-room.club/topic/98/so/954?_=1740445895930

[jon-nyc]

Damn.

[jon-nyc]

A scammer called me and said he had all my passwords.

I got a pen and said ‘Thank god for that. What are they?’

[jon-nyc]

If I get sent to jail my wife will bail me out.

She never lets me finish a sentence.

[jon-nyc]

Best thing about sex with an Amish girl?

She doesn’t expect you to call the next day.

[LuFins Dad]

The doctor told me I had to quit masturbating. I asked her why. She said “because you’re in the middle of a prostate exam, asshole”

[jon-nyc]

Someone just told me Einstein was a real person.

And all this time I thought he was a theoretical physicist.

[AndyD]

You know dynamite was invented by Alfred Nobel.
At first he didn't have a name for it; then it blew his house up and he said, this stuff's dynamite.

Someone just threw Chinese soup at me.
It was won-ton violence.

[jon-nyc]

I thought my new girlfriend might be 'The One'.

But after looking through her underwear drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French Maid's outfit and a Policewoman uniform I've decided, if she can't hold down a job, she's not the right one for me.

[jon-nyc]

So… one of my testicles hangs lower than the other two.

Is this normal?

[jon-nyc]

Yesterday I didn't take a nap.

Pulled an all-dayer.

[jon-nyc]

12 years ago today my friend Dave came out running and screaming “IT’S A BOY!!!” with tears streaming down his face.

We’ve never been back to Thailand since.

[Mik]

Two guys in their mid-twenties are sitting at a bar having a beer.

One of the guys remarks to the other,

"Boy, you look tired!"

His friend replies, "Dude, I'm exhausted. My girlfriend wants to make love all the time - three, four, sometimes even six times a night! She wakes me up at all hours. I don't know what to do!"

An old gentleman in his seventies, sitting a few bar stools down, overhears their conversation.

He looked over at the two men and, showing the wisdom of his age, says,

"Marry her, that'll put an end to that nonsense!"

[jon-nyc]

Lol

[jon-nyc]

I want my kid to have everything I couldn’t afford.

Then I want to move in with him.