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A scammer called me and said he had all my passwords.
I got a pen and said ‘Thank god for that. What are they?’
If I get sent to jail my wife will bail me out.
She never lets me finish a sentence.
Best thing about sex with an Amish girl?
She doesn’t expect you to call the next day.
The doctor told me I had to quit masturbating. I asked her why. She said “because you’re in the middle of a prostate exam, asshole”
Someone just told me Einstein was a real person.
And all this time I thought he was a theoretical physicist.
You know dynamite was invented by Alfred Nobel. At first he didn't have a name for it; then it blew his house up and he said, this stuff's dynamite.
Someone just threw Chinese soup at me. It was won-ton violence.
I thought my new girlfriend might be 'The One'.
But after looking through her underwear drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French Maid's outfit and a Policewoman uniform I've decided, if she can't hold down a job, she's not the right one for me.
So… one of my testicles hangs lower than the other two.
Is this normal?
Yesterday I didn't take a nap.
Pulled an all-dayer.
12 years ago today my friend Dave came out running and screaming “IT’S A BOY!!!” with tears streaming down his face.
We’ve never been back to Thailand since.
