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I got a vasectomy, but my girlfriend still got pregnant.
Apparently, all a vasectomy does is change the color of the baby.
When I was 17 my conservative Christian parents sent me to one of those massive youth group events that celebrates how cool it is to be a virgin.
Joke's on them, I went to the Star Trek convention next door instead.
Was trying to come up with my own recipe for haggis, but I’m not sure what it entrails.
My wife calls me her sex machine all the time.
Well technically she says "You're a fucking tool" but I get what she means.
If I owned a dog daycare I would call it Deez Mutts.
Bigfoot frequently gets confused for Sasquatch.
Yeti never complains.
The sweater I was wearing was picking up a lot of static electricity so I brought it back to the store.
They gave me a new one free of charge.
I miss those weeks in 2020 when it was illegal for people to come near me.
Back in my day there was so much toilet paper and eggs we would throw them at the houses of our enemies.
I broke an egg making breakfast today.
The insurance company is sending out an adjuster tomorrow.
I made a mushroom risotto from mushrooms I foraged locally.
Not only was it delicious but a Welsh choir of purple elephants sang the whole Bat Out Of Hell album accompanied by a light show.
I signed up for my company’s 401k.
I’m a little nervous though. I’ve never run that far before.
My wife complains I don't buy her flowers.
To be honest, I didn't even know she sold flowers.
