So....

[George K]

Was trying to come up with my own recipe for haggis, but I’m not sure what it entrails.

[George K]

My wife calls me her sex machine all the time.

Well technically she says "You're a fucking tool" but I get what she means.

[George K]

If I owned a dog daycare I would call it Deez Mutts.

[George K]

Bigfoot frequently gets confused for Sasquatch.

Yeti never complains.

[jon-nyc]

The sweater I was wearing was picking up a lot of static electricity so I brought it back to the store.

They gave me a new one free of charge.

[jon-nyc]

I miss those weeks in 2020 when it was illegal for people to come near me.

[jon-nyc]

Back in my day there was so much toilet paper and eggs we would throw them at the houses of our enemies.

[jon-nyc]

I broke an egg making breakfast today.

The insurance company is sending out an adjuster tomorrow.

[jon-nyc]

I made a mushroom risotto from mushrooms I foraged locally.

Not only was it delicious but a Welsh choir of purple elephants sang the whole Bat Out Of Hell album accompanied by a light show.

[jon-nyc]

I signed up for my company’s 401k.

I’m a little nervous though. I’ve never run that far before.

[jon-nyc]

My wife complains I don't buy her flowers.

To be honest, I didn't even know she sold flowers.

[jon-nyc]

I told my wife I want to be cremated.

She made an appointment for Tuesday.

[taiwan_girl]

@jon-nyc I thought I remembered your joke. 555

https://nodebb.the-new-coffee-room.club/topic/98/so/954?_=1740445895930

[jon-nyc]

Damn.

[jon-nyc]

A scammer called me and said he had all my passwords.

I got a pen and said ‘Thank god for that. What are they?’

[jon-nyc]

If I get sent to jail my wife will bail me out.

She never lets me finish a sentence.

[jon-nyc]

Best thing about sex with an Amish girl?

She doesn’t expect you to call the next day.

[LuFins Dad]

The doctor told me I had to quit masturbating. I asked her why. She said “because you’re in the middle of a prostate exam, asshole”

[jon-nyc]

Someone just told me Einstein was a real person.

And all this time I thought he was a theoretical physicist.

[AndyD]

You know dynamite was invented by Alfred Nobel.
At first he didn't have a name for it; then it blew his house up and he said, this stuff's dynamite.

Someone just threw Chinese soup at me.
It was won-ton violence.