So....

jon-nyc

Somebody broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick? Seriously how low can you go?

George K · "Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... " - Mik, 6/14/08

I got a vasectomy, but my girlfriend still got pregnant.

Apparently, all a vasectomy does is change the color of the baby.

George K · "Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... " - Mik, 6/14/08

When I was 17 my conservative Christian parents sent me to one of those massive youth group events that celebrates how cool it is to be a virgin.

Joke's on them, I went to the Star Trek convention next door instead.

George K · "Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... " - Mik, 6/14/08

Was trying to come up with my own recipe for haggis, but I’m not sure what it entrails.

George K · "Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... " - Mik, 6/14/08

My wife calls me her sex machine all the time.

Well technically she says "You're a fucking tool" but I get what she means.

George K · "Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... " - Mik, 6/14/08

If I owned a dog daycare I would call it Deez Mutts.

George K · "Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... " - Mik, 6/14/08

Bigfoot frequently gets confused for Sasquatch.

Yeti never complains.

jon-nyc

The sweater I was wearing was picking up a lot of static electricity so I brought it back to the store.

They gave me a new one free of charge.

jon-nyc

I miss those weeks in 2020 when it was illegal for people to come near me.

jon-nyc

Back in my day there was so much toilet paper and eggs we would throw them at the houses of our enemies.

jon-nyc

I broke an egg making breakfast today.

The insurance company is sending out an adjuster tomorrow.

jon-nyc

I made a mushroom risotto from mushrooms I foraged locally.

Not only was it delicious but a Welsh choir of purple elephants sang the whole Bat Out Of Hell album accompanied by a light show.

jon-nyc

I signed up for my company’s 401k.

I’m a little nervous though. I’ve never run that far before.

jon-nyc

My wife complains I don't buy her flowers.

To be honest, I didn't even know she sold flowers.

jon-nyc

I told my wife I want to be cremated.

She made an appointment for Tuesday.

taiwan_girl

@jon-nyc I thought I remembered your joke. 555

jon-nyc

Damn.

jon-nyc

A scammer called me and said he had all my passwords.

I got a pen and said ‘Thank god for that. What are they?’

jon-nyc

If I get sent to jail my wife will bail me out.

She never lets me finish a sentence.

jon-nyc

Best thing about sex with an Amish girl?

She doesn’t expect you to call the next day.

The New Coffee Room