So....

[jon-nyc]

I got invited to a party and was told to ‘dress to kill’

Apparently a Keffiyeh, beard, and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind.

[jon-nyc]

Miss Matilda, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!"

The pastor fainted.

[George K]

My big breasted neighbor has been walking around in the garden topless all week

I just wish that his wife would do the same

[jon-nyc]

So I just rolled a joint.

You’re probably jealous, but don’t be.

It was my ankle.

[jon-nyc]

Somebody broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick? Seriously how low can you go?

[George K]

I got a vasectomy, but my girlfriend still got pregnant.

Apparently, all a vasectomy does is change the color of the baby.

[George K]

When I was 17 my conservative Christian parents sent me to one of those massive youth group events that celebrates how cool it is to be a virgin.

Joke's on them, I went to the Star Trek convention next door instead.

[George K]

Was trying to come up with my own recipe for haggis, but I’m not sure what it entrails.

[George K]

My wife calls me her sex machine all the time.

Well technically she says "You're a fucking tool" but I get what she means.

[George K]

If I owned a dog daycare I would call it Deez Mutts.

[George K]

Bigfoot frequently gets confused for Sasquatch.

Yeti never complains.

[jon-nyc]

The sweater I was wearing was picking up a lot of static electricity so I brought it back to the store.

They gave me a new one free of charge.

[jon-nyc]

I miss those weeks in 2020 when it was illegal for people to come near me.

[jon-nyc]

Back in my day there was so much toilet paper and eggs we would throw them at the houses of our enemies.

[jon-nyc]

I broke an egg making breakfast today.

The insurance company is sending out an adjuster tomorrow.

[jon-nyc]

I made a mushroom risotto from mushrooms I foraged locally.

Not only was it delicious but a Welsh choir of purple elephants sang the whole Bat Out Of Hell album accompanied by a light show.

[jon-nyc]

I signed up for my company’s 401k.

I’m a little nervous though. I’ve never run that far before.

[jon-nyc]

My wife complains I don't buy her flowers.

To be honest, I didn't even know she sold flowers.

[jon-nyc]

I told my wife I want to be cremated.

She made an appointment for Tuesday.

[taiwan_girl]

@jon-nyc I thought I remembered your joke. 555

https://nodebb.the-new-coffee-room.club/topic/98/so/954?_=1740445895930