So....

jon-nyc · wrote on 23 Nov 2024, 21:22

I got invited to a party and was told to ‘dress to kill’

Apparently a Keffiyeh, beard, and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind.

jon-nyc · wrote on 14 Dec 2024, 23:18

Miss Matilda, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!"

The pastor fainted.

George K · wrote on 18 Dec 2024, 13:07

My big breasted neighbor has been walking around in the garden topless all week

I just wish that his wife would do the same

jon-nyc · wrote on 19 Dec 2024, 20:31

So I just rolled a joint.

You’re probably jealous, but don’t be.

It was my ankle.

jon-nyc · wrote on 3 Jan 2025, 09:43

Somebody broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick? Seriously how low can you go?

George K · wrote on 11 Jan 2025, 15:25

I got a vasectomy, but my girlfriend still got pregnant.

Apparently, all a vasectomy does is change the color of the baby.

George K · wrote on 12 Jan 2025, 12:47

When I was 17 my conservative Christian parents sent me to one of those massive youth group events that celebrates how cool it is to be a virgin.

Joke's on them, I went to the Star Trek convention next door instead.

George K · wrote on 14 Jan 2025, 00:16

Was trying to come up with my own recipe for haggis, but I’m not sure what it entrails.

George K · wrote on 16 Jan 2025, 23:43

My wife calls me her sex machine all the time.

Well technically she says "You're a fucking tool" but I get what she means.

George K · wrote on 23 Jan 2025, 01:30

If I owned a dog daycare I would call it Deez Mutts.

George K · wrote on 25 Jan 2025, 23:31

Bigfoot frequently gets confused for Sasquatch.

Yeti never complains.

jon-nyc · wrote on 5 Feb 2025, 02:29

The sweater I was wearing was picking up a lot of static electricity so I brought it back to the store.

They gave me a new one free of charge.

jon-nyc · wrote on 6 Feb 2025, 20:12

I miss those weeks in 2020 when it was illegal for people to come near me.

jon-nyc · wrote on 11 Feb 2025, 02:45

Back in my day there was so much toilet paper and eggs we would throw them at the houses of our enemies.

jon-nyc · wrote on 12 Feb 2025, 16:58

I broke an egg making breakfast today.

The insurance company is sending out an adjuster tomorrow.

jon-nyc · wrote on 13 Feb 2025, 23:56

I made a mushroom risotto from mushrooms I foraged locally.

Not only was it delicious but a Welsh choir of purple elephants sang the whole Bat Out Of Hell album accompanied by a light show.

jon-nyc · wrote on 18 Feb 2025, 13:26

I signed up for my company’s 401k.

I’m a little nervous though. I’ve never run that far before.

jon-nyc · wrote on 20 Feb 2025, 04:58

My wife complains I don't buy her flowers.

To be honest, I didn't even know she sold flowers.

jon-nyc · 25 Feb 2025, 01:22

I told my wife I want to be cremated.

She made an appointment for Tuesday.

taiwan_girl · wrote on 25 Feb 2025, 01:22

@jon-nyc I thought I remembered your joke. 555

https://nodebb.the-new-coffee-room.club/topic/98/so/954?_=1740445895930

The New Coffee Room

So....