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The New Coffee Room

  1. TNCR
  2. General Discussion
  3. So....

So....

Scheduled Pinned Locked Moved General Discussion
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  • jon-nycJ Online
    jon-nycJ Online
    jon-nyc
    wrote on last edited by
    #543

    I’m writing a new book about the things I should be doing in life.

    It’s an oughttobiography.

    Only non-witches get due process.

    • Cotton Mather, Salem Massachusetts, 1692
    1 Reply Last reply
    • KlausK Offline
      KlausK Offline
      Klaus
      wrote on last edited by
      #544

      This thread seems to evolve into a "worst dad joke" collection 🙂 .

      George KG 1 Reply Last reply
      • IvorythumperI Ivorythumper

        @jon-nyc said in So....:

        When I’m bored I’ll call the local Best Western hotel.

        When they pick up the phone and say “Best Western,” I say “True Grit with John Wayne” and hang up.

        One of the worst westerns, but you're pranking them, right?

        Catseye3C Offline
        Catseye3C Offline
        Catseye3
        wrote on last edited by
        #545

        @Ivorythumper It's a worst western if you think of it as a Western. It's really a story that is set in the West -- that's different.

        Success is measured by your discipline and inner peace. – Mike Ditka

        IvorythumperI 1 Reply Last reply
        • KlausK Klaus

          This thread seems to evolve into a "worst dad joke" collection 🙂 .

          George KG Offline
          George KG Offline
          George K
          wrote on last edited by
          #546

          @Klaus said in So....:

          This thread seems to evolve into a "worst dad joke" collection 🙂 .

          You misspelled "degenerated."

          "Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... " - Mik, 6/14/08

          The saying, "Lite is just one damn thing after another," is a gross understatement. The damn things overlap.

          1 Reply Last reply
          • Catseye3C Catseye3

            @Ivorythumper It's a worst western if you think of it as a Western. It's really a story that is set in the West -- that's different.

            IvorythumperI Offline
            IvorythumperI Offline
            Ivorythumper
            wrote on last edited by
            #547

            @Catseye3 said in So....:

            @Ivorythumper It's a worst western if you think of it as a Western. It's really a story that is set in the West -- that's different.

            It’s a great story— Glen Campbell, and the pace, and the cinematography ruin it — it’s painful to watch.

            Compare it to the 2010 Coen version, which is a masterpiece.

            Catseye3C 1 Reply Last reply
            • George KG Offline
              George KG Offline
              George K
              wrote on last edited by
              #548

              Today, I got gas for $1.89!

              Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.

              "Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... " - Mik, 6/14/08

              The saying, "Lite is just one damn thing after another," is a gross understatement. The damn things overlap.

              1 Reply Last reply
              • IvorythumperI Ivorythumper

                @Catseye3 said in So....:

                @Ivorythumper It's a worst western if you think of it as a Western. It's really a story that is set in the West -- that's different.

                It’s a great story— Glen Campbell, and the pace, and the cinematography ruin it — it’s painful to watch.

                Compare it to the 2010 Coen version, which is a masterpiece.

                Catseye3C Offline
                Catseye3C Offline
                Catseye3
                wrote on last edited by
                #549

                @Ivorythumper I'm happy to take your word for it. I don't even remember it that well.

                Also, I'm horribly uncritical about movies. It takes a very low bar for me to actually dislike a movie, so I'm probably not a great judge.

                Success is measured by your discipline and inner peace. – Mike Ditka

                1 Reply Last reply
                • jon-nycJ Online
                  jon-nycJ Online
                  jon-nyc
                  wrote on last edited by
                  #550

                  Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

                  But then so was yesterday and look at how you fucked that up.

                  Only non-witches get due process.

                  • Cotton Mather, Salem Massachusetts, 1692
                  George KG 1 Reply Last reply
                  • jon-nycJ jon-nyc

                    Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

                    But then so was yesterday and look at how you fucked that up.

                    George KG Offline
                    George KG Offline
                    George K
                    wrote on last edited by
                    #551

                    @jon-nyc ...

                    alt text

                    "Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... " - Mik, 6/14/08

                    The saying, "Lite is just one damn thing after another," is a gross understatement. The damn things overlap.

                    1 Reply Last reply
                    • jon-nycJ Online
                      jon-nycJ Online
                      jon-nyc
                      wrote on last edited by
                      #552

                      My grandfather was responsible for 35 downed German planes in WW-2.

                      Still to this day holds the record for the worst mechanic ever in the history of the Luftwaffe.

                      Only non-witches get due process.

                      • Cotton Mather, Salem Massachusetts, 1692
                      1 Reply Last reply
                      • jon-nycJ Online
                        jon-nycJ Online
                        jon-nyc
                        wrote on last edited by
                        #553

                        Somebody threw a bottle of omega 3 fatty acids at me.

                        Fortunately my injuries were only super fish oil.

                        Only non-witches get due process.

                        • Cotton Mather, Salem Massachusetts, 1692
                        KlausK 1 Reply Last reply
                        • jon-nycJ jon-nyc

                          Somebody threw a bottle of omega 3 fatty acids at me.

                          Fortunately my injuries were only super fish oil.

                          KlausK Offline
                          KlausK Offline
                          Klaus
                          wrote on last edited by
                          #554

                          @jon-nyc said in So....:

                          Somebody threw a bottle of omega 3 fatty acids at me.

                          Fortunately my injuries were only super fish oil.

                          This photo captures my reaction to this joke pretty well.
                          0f357660-edd8-437f-a027-5924d2e0089f-image.png

                          1 Reply Last reply
                          • jon-nycJ Online
                            jon-nycJ Online
                            jon-nyc
                            wrote on last edited by
                            #555

                            Every time I go to the beach in my bathing suit, I can feel all the women dressing me with their eyes.

                            Only non-witches get due process.

                            • Cotton Mather, Salem Massachusetts, 1692
                            1 Reply Last reply
                            • ImprovisoI Offline
                              ImprovisoI Offline
                              Improviso
                              wrote on last edited by
                              #556

                              Two women were playing golf.

                              One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the
                              ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

                              The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

                              'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me.' she told him.

                              'Oh, no, I'll be all right I'll be fine in a few minutes.' the man replied.

                              He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid
                              them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

                              She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked 'How does that feel?'

                              He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.

                              We have the freedom to choose our actions, but we do not get to choose our consequences.
                              Yes, there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run, there's still time to change the road you're on.

                              1 Reply Last reply
                              • jon-nycJ Online
                                jon-nycJ Online
                                jon-nyc
                                wrote on last edited by
                                #557

                                So…. my career as a karate instructor was tragically ended when parents found out I was wholly unqualified and just enjoyed kicking children.

                                Only non-witches get due process.

                                • Cotton Mather, Salem Massachusetts, 1692
                                IvorythumperI 1 Reply Last reply
                                • jon-nycJ jon-nyc

                                  So…. my career as a karate instructor was tragically ended when parents found out I was wholly unqualified and just enjoyed kicking children.

                                  IvorythumperI Offline
                                  IvorythumperI Offline
                                  Ivorythumper
                                  wrote on last edited by
                                  #558

                                  @jon-nyc said in So....:

                                  So…. my career as a karate instructor was tragically ended when parents found out I was wholly unqualified and just enjoyed kicking children.

                                  Link to video

                                  1 Reply Last reply
                                  • George KG Offline
                                    George KG Offline
                                    George K
                                    wrote on last edited by
                                    #559

                                    Is my wife dissatisfied with my body?

                                    A tiny part of me says yes.

                                    "Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... " - Mik, 6/14/08

                                    The saying, "Lite is just one damn thing after another," is a gross understatement. The damn things overlap.

                                    1 Reply Last reply
                                    • jon-nycJ Online
                                      jon-nycJ Online
                                      jon-nyc
                                      wrote on last edited by
                                      #560

                                      My new girlfriend was excited when she found out that my friends called me ‘the love machine’.

                                      Then she found out it’s because I suck at tennis.

                                      Only non-witches get due process.

                                      • Cotton Mather, Salem Massachusetts, 1692
                                      1 Reply Last reply
                                      • jon-nycJ Online
                                        jon-nycJ Online
                                        jon-nyc
                                        wrote on last edited by
                                        #561

                                        Did I ever tell you about the time my dick was in the Guinness Book of World Records?

                                        So anyway I got kicked out of the library.

                                        Only non-witches get due process.

                                        • Cotton Mather, Salem Massachusetts, 1692
                                        1 Reply Last reply
                                        • jon-nycJ Online
                                          jon-nycJ Online
                                          jon-nyc
                                          wrote on last edited by
                                          #562

                                          So I said to my wife, “why don’t you tell me when you orgasm?

                                          She said “because you don’t like it when I call you at work.”

                                          Only non-witches get due process.

                                          • Cotton Mather, Salem Massachusetts, 1692
                                          George KG 1 Reply Last reply
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