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I asked my mirror yesterday if there is anybody prettier than me. The bastard is still reciting names.
Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect. -- Benny Hill
@Catseye3 said in So....:
Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.
My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare. -- Mike Myers
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either. -- Jack Benny
Christ, seven years of college, down the drain. -- John Belushi
There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap. -- Kevin James
My idiot friend keeps saying, “Every time I go to Taco Bell, I get diarrhea.”
I said, “Try ordering Tacos instead.”
When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat. --- George Carlin
What do you call a woman who doesn’t give head?
A taxi.
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. -- Phyllis Diller
The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup.
I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."
I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives. -- Billy Connolly
Why can’t Miss Piggy count to seventy?
At sixty-nine she gets a frog in her throat.
Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit. -- Billy Connolly
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.' -- Demetri Martin
Coach: “How’s a beer sound, Norm?” Norm: “I don't know, I usually finish before they get a word in.” —Coach and Norm, Cheers
“What they could do to make it easier is combine the two, real estate and obituaries: Mr. Klein died today leaving a wife, two children, and a spacious three-bedroom apartment with a wood-burning fireplace.” —Harry (Billy Crystal)
So…. My wife called me a sex machine.
Well, she said “you’re a fucking tool” but I knew what she meant.
So… my next door neighbor is a porn star.
She’s going to be so mad when she finds out.
