So....
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wrote on 1 Dec 2022, 21:10 last edited by
I asked my mirror yesterday if there is anybody prettier than me. The bastard is still reciting names.
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wrote on 5 Dec 2022, 02:06 last edited by
Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect. -- Benny Hill
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wrote on 5 Dec 2022, 15:20 last edited by
My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare. -- Mike Myers
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wrote on 5 Dec 2022, 15:40 last edited by
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either. -- Jack Benny
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wrote on 5 Dec 2022, 22:37 last edited by
Christ, seven years of college, down the drain. -- John Belushi
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wrote on 5 Dec 2022, 23:55 last edited by
There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap. -- Kevin James
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wrote on 6 Dec 2022, 01:26 last edited by
My idiot friend keeps saying, “Every time I go to Taco Bell, I get diarrhea.”
I said, “Try ordering Tacos instead.”
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wrote on 7 Dec 2022, 20:40 last edited by
When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat. --- George Carlin
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wrote on 8 Dec 2022, 00:05 last edited by jon-nyc 12 Aug 2022, 00:26
What do you call a woman who doesn’t give head?
A taxi.
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wrote on 8 Dec 2022, 14:39 last edited by
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. -- Phyllis Diller
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wrote on 8 Dec 2022, 14:55 last edited by
The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup.
I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."
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wrote on 8 Dec 2022, 19:35 last edited by
I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives. -- Billy Connolly
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wrote on 9 Dec 2022, 00:29 last edited by
Why can’t Miss Piggy count to seventy?
At sixty-nine she gets a frog in her throat.
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wrote on 9 Dec 2022, 15:08 last edited by
Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit. -- Billy Connolly
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wrote on 9 Dec 2022, 21:12 last edited by
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.' -- Demetri Martin
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wrote on 9 Dec 2022, 21:36 last edited by
Coach: “How’s a beer sound, Norm?”
Norm: “I don't know, I usually finish before they get a word in.”
—Coach and Norm, Cheers -
wrote on 9 Dec 2022, 21:48 last edited by
“What they could do to make it easier is combine the two, real estate and obituaries: Mr. Klein died today leaving a wife, two children, and a spacious three-bedroom apartment with a wood-burning fireplace.”
—Harry (Billy Crystal) -
wrote on 11 Dec 2022, 23:19 last edited by
So…. My wife called me a sex machine.
Well, she said “you’re a fucking tool” but I knew what she meant.
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wrote on 11 Dec 2022, 23:20 last edited by
So… my next door neighbor is a porn star.
She’s going to be so mad when she finds out.
