So....

[jon-nyc]

Every time I go to the beach in my bathing suit, I can feel all the women dressing me with their eyes.

[Improviso]

Two women were playing golf.

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the
ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me.' she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right I'll be fine in a few minutes.' the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid
them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked 'How does that feel?'

He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.

[jon-nyc]

So…. my career as a karate instructor was tragically ended when parents found out I was wholly unqualified and just enjoyed kicking children.

[Ivorythumper]

@jon-nyc said in So....:

So…. my career as a karate instructor was tragically ended when parents found out I was wholly unqualified and just enjoyed kicking children.

Link to video

[George K]

Is my wife dissatisfied with my body?

A tiny part of me says yes.

[jon-nyc]

My new girlfriend was excited when she found out that my friends called me ‘the love machine’.

Then she found out it’s because I suck at tennis.

[jon-nyc]

Did I ever tell you about the time my dick was in the Guinness Book of World Records?

So anyway I got kicked out of the library.

[jon-nyc]

So I said to my wife, “why don’t you tell me when you orgasm?

She said “because you don’t like it when I call you at work.”

[George K]

@jon-nyc which reminds me of the old joke...

Q: Why do women fake orgasms?

A: Because they think we care.

[Larry]

This woman was running around trying to get dressed for a dinner party, and they were running late. She just couldn't make up her mind what to wear. Her husband waited patiently..,

She came flying through the room and said "I'm so frazzled... I don't know if I'm coming or going.."

Her husband says "you must be going. Because when you're coming you look like a Down's Syndrome kid trying to whistle....."

[jon-nyc]

When is it too late to have a baby shower?

Because my mom never had one for me and I need clothes.

[Copper]

Link to video

[George K]

@Copper Steven Wright was great.

Is he still around?

[Catseye3]

@George-K Is he still around?

Alive apparently, but not working???

Wright quote: "I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

[jon-nyc]

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

She gagged.

[George K]

So, when they said, "History repeats itself..."

I wasn't expecting the entire 20th century in 2 years.

[Catseye3]

Two cowboys are on the edge of a cliff when they hear the sound of war drums. One cowboy looks at the other and says, "I don't like the sound of those war drums." From below they hear someone shout, "He's not our regular drummer!"

[Larry]

Knock Knock

Who's there

Grandpa

Oh shit! Stop the funeral!!

[Larry]

My wife's dog died. I wanted to cheer her up so I went out and bought her another one just like it.

She got so mad at me.

"What am I going to do with 2 dead dogs???"

[Larry]

I went to the doctor.. I pulled out my penis and said "I'm a little premature."

She said "I'll say.... I'm the receptionist..."