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The New Coffee Room

  1. TNCR
  2. General Discussion
  3. So....

So....

Scheduled Pinned Locked Moved General Discussion
1.0k Posts 26 Posters 95.4k Views
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  • jon-nycJ Online
    jon-nycJ Online
    jon-nyc
    wrote on last edited by
    #555

    Every time I go to the beach in my bathing suit, I can feel all the women dressing me with their eyes.

    Only non-witches get due process.

    • Cotton Mather, Salem Massachusetts, 1692
    1 Reply Last reply
    • ImprovisoI Offline
      ImprovisoI Offline
      Improviso
      wrote on last edited by
      #556

      Two women were playing golf.

      One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the
      ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

      The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

      'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me.' she told him.

      'Oh, no, I'll be all right I'll be fine in a few minutes.' the man replied.

      He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid
      them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

      She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked 'How does that feel?'

      He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.

      We have the freedom to choose our actions, but we do not get to choose our consequences.
      Yes, there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run, there's still time to change the road you're on.

      1 Reply Last reply
      • jon-nycJ Online
        jon-nycJ Online
        jon-nyc
        wrote on last edited by
        #557

        So…. my career as a karate instructor was tragically ended when parents found out I was wholly unqualified and just enjoyed kicking children.

        Only non-witches get due process.

        • Cotton Mather, Salem Massachusetts, 1692
        IvorythumperI 1 Reply Last reply
        • jon-nycJ jon-nyc

          So…. my career as a karate instructor was tragically ended when parents found out I was wholly unqualified and just enjoyed kicking children.

          IvorythumperI Offline
          IvorythumperI Offline
          Ivorythumper
          wrote on last edited by
          #558

          @jon-nyc said in So....:

          So…. my career as a karate instructor was tragically ended when parents found out I was wholly unqualified and just enjoyed kicking children.

          Link to video

          1 Reply Last reply
          • George KG Offline
            George KG Offline
            George K
            wrote on last edited by
            #559

            Is my wife dissatisfied with my body?

            A tiny part of me says yes.

            "Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... " - Mik, 6/14/08

            The saying, "Lite is just one damn thing after another," is a gross understatement. The damn things overlap.

            1 Reply Last reply
            • jon-nycJ Online
              jon-nycJ Online
              jon-nyc
              wrote on last edited by
              #560

              My new girlfriend was excited when she found out that my friends called me ‘the love machine’.

              Then she found out it’s because I suck at tennis.

              Only non-witches get due process.

              • Cotton Mather, Salem Massachusetts, 1692
              1 Reply Last reply
              • jon-nycJ Online
                jon-nycJ Online
                jon-nyc
                wrote on last edited by
                #561

                Did I ever tell you about the time my dick was in the Guinness Book of World Records?

                So anyway I got kicked out of the library.

                Only non-witches get due process.

                • Cotton Mather, Salem Massachusetts, 1692
                1 Reply Last reply
                • jon-nycJ Online
                  jon-nycJ Online
                  jon-nyc
                  wrote on last edited by
                  #562

                  So I said to my wife, “why don’t you tell me when you orgasm?

                  She said “because you don’t like it when I call you at work.”

                  Only non-witches get due process.

                  • Cotton Mather, Salem Massachusetts, 1692
                  George KG 1 Reply Last reply
                  • jon-nycJ jon-nyc

                    So I said to my wife, “why don’t you tell me when you orgasm?

                    She said “because you don’t like it when I call you at work.”

                    George KG Offline
                    George KG Offline
                    George K
                    wrote on last edited by
                    #563

                    @jon-nyc which reminds me of the old joke...

                    Q: Why do women fake orgasms?

                    A: Because they think we care.

                    "Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... " - Mik, 6/14/08

                    The saying, "Lite is just one damn thing after another," is a gross understatement. The damn things overlap.

                    1 Reply Last reply
                    • LarryL Offline
                      LarryL Offline
                      Larry
                      wrote on last edited by
                      #564

                      This woman was running around trying to get dressed for a dinner party, and they were running late. She just couldn't make up her mind what to wear. Her husband waited patiently..,

                      She came flying through the room and said "I'm so frazzled... I don't know if I'm coming or going.."

                      Her husband says "you must be going. Because when you're coming you look like a Down's Syndrome kid trying to whistle....."

                      1 Reply Last reply
                      • jon-nycJ Online
                        jon-nycJ Online
                        jon-nyc
                        wrote on last edited by
                        #565

                        When is it too late to have a baby shower?

                        Because my mom never had one for me and I need clothes.

                        Only non-witches get due process.

                        • Cotton Mather, Salem Massachusetts, 1692
                        1 Reply Last reply
                        • CopperC Offline
                          CopperC Offline
                          Copper
                          wrote on last edited by
                          #566

                          Link to video

                          George KG 1 Reply Last reply
                          • CopperC Copper

                            Link to video

                            George KG Offline
                            George KG Offline
                            George K
                            wrote on last edited by
                            #567

                            @Copper Steven Wright was great.

                            Is he still around?

                            "Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... " - Mik, 6/14/08

                            The saying, "Lite is just one damn thing after another," is a gross understatement. The damn things overlap.

                            Catseye3C 1 Reply Last reply
                            • George KG George K

                              @Copper Steven Wright was great.

                              Is he still around?

                              Catseye3C Offline
                              Catseye3C Offline
                              Catseye3
                              wrote on last edited by
                              #568

                              @George-K Is he still around?

                              Alive apparently, but not working???

                              Wright quote: "I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

                              Success is measured by your discipline and inner peace. – Mike Ditka

                              1 Reply Last reply
                              • jon-nycJ Online
                                jon-nycJ Online
                                jon-nyc
                                wrote on last edited by
                                #569

                                What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

                                She gagged.

                                Only non-witches get due process.

                                • Cotton Mather, Salem Massachusetts, 1692
                                1 Reply Last reply
                                • George KG Offline
                                  George KG Offline
                                  George K
                                  wrote on last edited by
                                  #570

                                  So, when they said, "History repeats itself..."

                                  I wasn't expecting the entire 20th century in 2 years.

                                  "Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... " - Mik, 6/14/08

                                  The saying, "Lite is just one damn thing after another," is a gross understatement. The damn things overlap.

                                  1 Reply Last reply
                                  • Catseye3C Offline
                                    Catseye3C Offline
                                    Catseye3
                                    wrote on last edited by
                                    #571

                                    Two cowboys are on the edge of a cliff when they hear the sound of war drums. One cowboy looks at the other and says, "I don't like the sound of those war drums." From below they hear someone shout, "He's not our regular drummer!"

                                    Success is measured by your discipline and inner peace. – Mike Ditka

                                    1 Reply Last reply
                                    • LarryL Offline
                                      LarryL Offline
                                      Larry
                                      wrote on last edited by
                                      #572

                                      Knock Knock

                                      Who's there

                                      Grandpa

                                      Oh shit! Stop the funeral!!

                                      1 Reply Last reply
                                      • LarryL Offline
                                        LarryL Offline
                                        Larry
                                        wrote on last edited by
                                        #573

                                        My wife's dog died. I wanted to cheer her up so I went out and bought her another one just like it.

                                        She got so mad at me.

                                        "What am I going to do with 2 dead dogs???"

                                        1 Reply Last reply
                                        • LarryL Offline
                                          LarryL Offline
                                          Larry
                                          wrote on last edited by
                                          #574

                                          I went to the doctor.. I pulled out my penis and said "I'm a little premature."

                                          She said "I'll say.... I'm the receptionist..."

                                          1 Reply Last reply
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