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The New Coffee Room

  1. TNCR
  2. General Discussion
  3. So....

So....

Scheduled Pinned Locked Moved General Discussion
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  • J Online
    J Online
    jon-nyc
    wrote on 23 Nov 2024, 21:22 last edited by
    #961

    I got invited to a party and was told to ‘dress to kill’

    Apparently a Keffiyeh, beard, and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind.

    Only non-witches get due process.

    • Cotton Mather, Salem Massachusetts, 1692
    1 Reply Last reply
    • J Online
      J Online
      jon-nyc
      wrote on 14 Dec 2024, 23:18 last edited by jon-nyc
      #962

      Miss Matilda, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all.
      One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
      As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom!
      When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
      "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!"

      The pastor fainted.

      Only non-witches get due process.

      • Cotton Mather, Salem Massachusetts, 1692
      1 Reply Last reply
      • G Offline
        G Offline
        George K
        wrote on 18 Dec 2024, 13:07 last edited by
        #963

        My big breasted neighbor has been walking around in the garden topless all week

        I just wish that his wife would do the same

        "Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... " - Mik, 6/14/08

        The saying, "Lite is just one damn thing after another," is a gross understatement. The damn things overlap.

        1 Reply Last reply
        • J Online
          J Online
          jon-nyc
          wrote on 19 Dec 2024, 20:31 last edited by
          #964

          So I just rolled a joint.

          You’re probably jealous, but don’t be.

          It was my ankle.

          Only non-witches get due process.

          • Cotton Mather, Salem Massachusetts, 1692
          1 Reply Last reply
          • J Online
            J Online
            jon-nyc
            wrote on 3 Jan 2025, 09:43 last edited by
            #965

            Somebody broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick? Seriously how low can you go?

            Only non-witches get due process.

            • Cotton Mather, Salem Massachusetts, 1692
            1 Reply Last reply
            • G Offline
              G Offline
              George K
              wrote on 11 Jan 2025, 15:25 last edited by
              #966

              I got a vasectomy, but my girlfriend still got pregnant.

              Apparently, all a vasectomy does is change the color of the baby.

              "Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... " - Mik, 6/14/08

              The saying, "Lite is just one damn thing after another," is a gross understatement. The damn things overlap.

              1 Reply Last reply
              • G Offline
                G Offline
                George K
                wrote on 12 Jan 2025, 12:47 last edited by
                #967

                When I was 17 my conservative Christian parents sent me to one of those massive youth group events that celebrates how cool it is to be a virgin.

                Joke's on them, I went to the Star Trek convention next door instead.

                "Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... " - Mik, 6/14/08

                The saying, "Lite is just one damn thing after another," is a gross understatement. The damn things overlap.

                1 Reply Last reply
                • G Offline
                  G Offline
                  George K
                  wrote on 14 Jan 2025, 00:16 last edited by
                  #968

                  Was trying to come up with my own recipe for haggis, but I’m not sure what it entrails.

                  "Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... " - Mik, 6/14/08

                  The saying, "Lite is just one damn thing after another," is a gross understatement. The damn things overlap.

                  1 Reply Last reply
                  • G Offline
                    G Offline
                    George K
                    wrote on 16 Jan 2025, 23:43 last edited by
                    #969

                    My wife calls me her sex machine all the time.

                    Well technically she says "You're a fucking tool" but I get what she means.

                    "Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... " - Mik, 6/14/08

                    The saying, "Lite is just one damn thing after another," is a gross understatement. The damn things overlap.

                    1 Reply Last reply
                    • G Offline
                      G Offline
                      George K
                      wrote on 23 Jan 2025, 01:30 last edited by
                      #970

                      If I owned a dog daycare I would call it Deez Mutts.

                      "Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... " - Mik, 6/14/08

                      The saying, "Lite is just one damn thing after another," is a gross understatement. The damn things overlap.

                      1 Reply Last reply
                      • G Offline
                        G Offline
                        George K
                        wrote on 25 Jan 2025, 23:31 last edited by
                        #971

                        Bigfoot frequently gets confused for Sasquatch.

                        Yeti never complains.

                        "Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... " - Mik, 6/14/08

                        The saying, "Lite is just one damn thing after another," is a gross understatement. The damn things overlap.

                        1 Reply Last reply
                        • J Online
                          J Online
                          jon-nyc
                          wrote on 5 Feb 2025, 02:29 last edited by
                          #972

                          The sweater I was wearing was picking up a lot of static electricity so I brought it back to the store.

                          They gave me a new one free of charge.

                          Only non-witches get due process.

                          • Cotton Mather, Salem Massachusetts, 1692
                          1 Reply Last reply
                          • J Online
                            J Online
                            jon-nyc
                            wrote on 6 Feb 2025, 20:12 last edited by
                            #973

                            I miss those weeks in 2020 when it was illegal for people to come near me.

                            Only non-witches get due process.

                            • Cotton Mather, Salem Massachusetts, 1692
                            1 Reply Last reply
                            • J Online
                              J Online
                              jon-nyc
                              wrote on 11 Feb 2025, 02:45 last edited by
                              #974

                              Back in my day there was so much toilet paper and eggs we would throw them at the houses of our enemies.

                              Only non-witches get due process.

                              • Cotton Mather, Salem Massachusetts, 1692
                              1 Reply Last reply
                              • J Online
                                J Online
                                jon-nyc
                                wrote on 12 Feb 2025, 16:58 last edited by
                                #975

                                I broke an egg making breakfast today.

                                The insurance company is sending out an adjuster tomorrow.

                                Only non-witches get due process.

                                • Cotton Mather, Salem Massachusetts, 1692
                                1 Reply Last reply
                                • J Online
                                  J Online
                                  jon-nyc
                                  wrote on 13 Feb 2025, 23:56 last edited by
                                  #976

                                  I made a mushroom risotto from mushrooms I foraged locally.

                                  Not only was it delicious but a Welsh choir of purple elephants sang the whole Bat Out Of Hell album accompanied by a light show.

                                  Only non-witches get due process.

                                  • Cotton Mather, Salem Massachusetts, 1692
                                  1 Reply Last reply
                                  • J Online
                                    J Online
                                    jon-nyc
                                    wrote on 18 Feb 2025, 13:26 last edited by
                                    #977

                                    I signed up for my company’s 401k.

                                    I’m a little nervous though. I’ve never run that far before.

                                    Only non-witches get due process.

                                    • Cotton Mather, Salem Massachusetts, 1692
                                    1 Reply Last reply
                                    • J Online
                                      J Online
                                      jon-nyc
                                      wrote on 20 Feb 2025, 04:58 last edited by
                                      #978

                                      My wife complains I don't buy her flowers.

                                      To be honest, I didn't even know she sold flowers.

                                      Only non-witches get due process.

                                      • Cotton Mather, Salem Massachusetts, 1692
                                      1 Reply Last reply
                                      • J Online
                                        J Online
                                        jon-nyc
                                        wrote on 24 Feb 2025, 12:33 last edited by
                                        #979

                                        I told my wife I want to be cremated.

                                        She made an appointment for Tuesday.

                                        Only non-witches get due process.

                                        • Cotton Mather, Salem Massachusetts, 1692
                                        taiwan_girlT 1 Reply Last reply 25 Feb 2025, 01:22
                                        • J jon-nyc
                                          24 Feb 2025, 12:33

                                          I told my wife I want to be cremated.

                                          She made an appointment for Tuesday.

                                          taiwan_girlT Offline
                                          taiwan_girlT Offline
                                          taiwan_girl
                                          wrote on 25 Feb 2025, 01:22 last edited by
                                          #980

                                          @jon-nyc I thought I remembered your joke. 555

                                          https://nodebb.the-new-coffee-room.club/topic/98/so/954?_=1740445895930

                                          1 Reply Last reply
                                          • taiwan_girlT taiwan_girl referenced this topic on 25 Feb 2025, 01:22
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