Marriage advice
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TNCR is my therapist! We have plenty of storage bins and places, it's just they aren't used or things aren't put back where they belong afterwards. I do tidy-up spaces solo. It's funny to watch the kids say "wow look at all this space!" or discover an old toy like it's the first time, but unfortunately my wife won't ever say thanks, and I get the feeling she resents when I clean up their mess. Meh.
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You do what you have to do to stay sane. I look at it this way - there are things that make me crazy, but the things that I love outweigh those things, so I figure out how to manage the crazy things myself, even if it requires a little more time and effort on my part to feel at peace. The tiny kid stage felt like it lasted forever, but once it’s gone, I wonder where the time went!
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You might start by asking what you might do to help her. You're not going to get through this by thinking you're doing enough already. I understand the feeling, but it's not helpful. It's never 50-50. Whatever you do, avoid making it confrontational. If she does talk, just listen and firmly resist the urge to provide a solution. It is difficult because as guys, that's what we do - we fix stuff. It will feel a bit like patronizing her, but trust me, it's not. It's something I cannot grasp emotionally, but I acknowledge it on an intellectual level.
You seem to be picking up on being indirect.
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You might start by asking what you might do to help her. You're not going to get through this by thinking you're doing enough already. I understand the feeling, but it's not helpful. It's never 50-50. Whatever you do, avoid making it confrontational. If she does talk, just listen and firmly resist the urge to provide a solution. It is difficult because as guys, that's what we do - we fix stuff. It will feel a bit like patronizing her, but trust me, it's not. It's something I cannot grasp emotionally, but I acknowledge it on an intellectual level.
You seem to be picking up on being indirect.
@Mik said in Marriage advice:
If she does talk, just listen and firmly resist the urge to provide a solution. It is difficult because as guys, that's what we do - we fix stuff.
Haha yes isn't that the truth. It's very hard for someone to present a problem and even ask for advice and, well, not give them the solution.
The funny part is she is identical to her mom. They talk every day, same general food preferences, shopping habits, opinions about life, except her mom has become a minimalist lately. Maybe as @jodi says this will smooth out in a few years when all kids are in school...
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Not much to add to what's being said - I agree very much that small steps are much less painful, and also that trying to 'fix' what you see as somebody else's problem like an engineer is not a good way to approach it - that's something that I've been guilty of, and still struggle with.
It's very easy to build up resentment, particularly if it feels as though you're doing more than 50% of the work, and both Mrs. Phibes and I have been guilty of that on a number of occasions. Counselling can be quite a bit more helpful than you might imagine, but you both have to want to go.
In terms of reducing mess and clutter, we've found the Facebook Free Marketplace to be a great place for getting rid of things you don't really think you can sell, but that feel too good to just throw away - old toys, gadgets you don't need. I got rid of an old stereo which was in full working order - they guy was made up that he was getting it for free, and I was made up to free up the space. Full disclosure - our house is a lot messier than we'd like it to be.
