Student loans
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@Catseye3 said in Student loans:
@brenda said in Student loans:
it took decades for me to see all of what she was doing and had done. Childhood abuse is very insidious, and difficult for the child to recognize.
Same-same. I also had maternal shit, and it also took me to well into adulthood (and on my own surrounded by normal people, at least to outsiders) to recognize it. I was handicapped by living in a three-person household that moved often, so no intimacies from outsiders were able to be formed, and a father who was absent a lot re TDY (temporary duty).
Many similarities with my family there. There was no way to reach out for help without making life ten times worse. Dad worked second shift, so I didn't see him much. Mother had pushed him out of his role as dad, except when she wanted him to physically discipline us. Afterwards, she would tell us that he would" beat us every day" if it weren't for her protecting us. I began to realize that it was her who made any beatings happen, and it was her tool for trying to make us hate our dad. It worked for my brother, and he really did hate dad. Their relationship never improved, although my brother seemed to have become more reflective years after dad died.
@brenda said in Student loans:
@Catseye3 said in Student loans:
@brenda said in Student loans:
it took decades for me to see all of what she was doing and had done. Childhood abuse is very insidious, and difficult for the child to recognize.
Same-same. I also had maternal shit, and it also took me to well into adulthood (and on my own surrounded by normal people, at least to outsiders) to recognize it. I was handicapped by living in a three-person household that moved often, so no intimacies from outsiders were able to be formed, and a father who was absent a lot re TDY (temporary duty).
Many similarities with my family there. There was no way to reach out for help without making life ten times worse. Dad worked second shift, so I didn't see him much. Mother had pushed him out of his role as dad, except when she wanted him to physically discipline us. Afterwards, she would tell us that he would" beat us every day" if it weren't for her protecting us. I began to realize that it was her who made any beatings happen, and it was her tool for trying to make us hate our dad. It worked for my brother, and he really did hate dad. Their relationship never improved, although my brother seemed to have become more reflective years after dad died.
Holy crap, brenda.
️ I'm so sorry you had to deal with that.Please love yourself.
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Sheesh Brenda, do you have any idea what happened to make her so off? Was it a legacy?
@LuFins-Dad said in Student loans:
Sheesh Brenda, do you have any idea what happened to make her so off? Was it a legacy?
There was some family history that could have made it a legacy thing, and she definitely has a personality disorder. No details on how, but I had a professional meet with mom and me for a discussion, and a last chance to ask mom about some history in our relationship. In a rare moment, mother showed her true self during the meeting. Afterwards, when my mother had left, the professional leaned forward, put her face in her hands, and said, "Oh, Brenda. Your mother ... your mother ..." My reply: "Isn't she a peach?"
I asked the professional if my mother could ever change. That was what I wanted to know. She said of all the people she worked with, this type of personality disorder was the most difficult. "They don't want to change. Nothing is ever their fault. They never do anything wrong." Since mother was getting worse, trying to hurt my husband and daughter, and not willing to make a change herself, then I had to make a change. I don't know what started her problem, but I know who ended it.
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@brenda said in Student loans:
@Catseye3 said in Student loans:
@brenda said in Student loans:
it took decades for me to see all of what she was doing and had done. Childhood abuse is very insidious, and difficult for the child to recognize.
Same-same. I also had maternal shit, and it also took me to well into adulthood (and on my own surrounded by normal people, at least to outsiders) to recognize it. I was handicapped by living in a three-person household that moved often, so no intimacies from outsiders were able to be formed, and a father who was absent a lot re TDY (temporary duty).
Many similarities with my family there. There was no way to reach out for help without making life ten times worse. Dad worked second shift, so I didn't see him much. Mother had pushed him out of his role as dad, except when she wanted him to physically discipline us. Afterwards, she would tell us that he would" beat us every day" if it weren't for her protecting us. I began to realize that it was her who made any beatings happen, and it was her tool for trying to make us hate our dad. It worked for my brother, and he really did hate dad. Their relationship never improved, although my brother seemed to have become more reflective years after dad died.
Holy crap, brenda.
️ I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. -
@Catseye3 said in Student loans:
@Aqua-Letifer said in Student loans:
Holy crap, brenda. ️ I'm so sorry you had to deal with that.
Right back at ya, buddy!
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While sad, it has a silver lining in that you rose above and are stronger and more loving for it.
@Mik said in Student loans:
While sad, it has a silver lining in that you rose above and are stronger and more loving for it.
Ayup. Some people teach you how to be, and some people teach you how not to be.
I recently had a profound moment with kiddo when she said she wanted me to talk with one of her friends who is having trouble. Kiddo said this friend needed a good parent to help her.
Wow. Best compliment ever from kiddo. Virtual hugs all around for that one!
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Cats
writing down deontological to look up later; it's too nice a day to get hung up on this shit.@Catseye3 said in Student loans:
Cats
writing down deontological to look up later; it's too nice a day to get hung up on this shit.Copied from Wikipedia:
In moral philosophy, deontological ethics or deontology (from Greek: δέον, 'obligation, duty' + λόγος, 'study') is the normative ethical theory that the morality of an action should be based on whether that action itself is right or wrong under a series of rules, rather than based on the consequences of the action. It is sometimes described as duty-, obligation-, or rule-based ethics. Deontological ethics is commonly contrasted to consequentialism, virtue ethics, and pragmatic ethics. In this terminology, action is more important than the consequences.
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Paying off someone's loan for free would just suck the self-respect right out of them.
Anyone who had their loan paid off for no good reason would never get a good night's sleep again.
Most of them would probably end up as suicides.
The action itself is wrong.
