Student loans
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@Ivorythumper said in Student loans:
@Larry said in Student loans:
I paid my own way through college. I worked. When i graduated I owed nothing.
I had scholarships, grants, and fellowships pay for all my degrees (except for about $8K in student loans for my undergrad). I got lucky, and doubt I could do it again...
I had a scholarship for undergrad and a fellowship for grad, and worked summers and during the school year to pay for all my expenses such as room and board. I had no debt, and saved enough from my grad stipend to have a small nest egg when I got married.
A little history:
Dad told me when I was eleven that mother would spend every dime on my older brother's education, and Dad was correct. Dad also said to marry whomever I chose, and to ignore mother, to trust my own judgment. Dad was right again. Even after being married to hubby for over 30 years, she said he wasn't really my family. I disagreed. She was furious.While kiddo was in college, mother began telling her hubby and I had never loved kiddo, and that she was the only person who ever had. Kiddo chose on her own to cut off contact with my mother, and I have, too, asking her to please get professional help. She was cruel and harmful to me as I grew up, and I doubt she will ever stop. College was my way out, and I was fortunate to have that.
Dad died in 1989. I still miss him, and I have no idea how he managed to live with my mother.
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@brenda said in Student loans:
it took decades for me to see all of what she was doing and had done. Childhood abuse is very insidious, and difficult for the child to recognize.
Same-same. I also had maternal shit, and it also took me to well into adulthood (and on my own surrounded by normal people, at least to outsiders) to recognize it. I was handicapped by living in a three-person household that moved often, so no intimacies from outsiders were able to be formed, and a father who was absent a lot re TDY (temporary duty).
@Catseye3 said in Student loans:
@brenda said in Student loans:
it took decades for me to see all of what she was doing and had done. Childhood abuse is very insidious, and difficult for the child to recognize.
Same-same. I also had maternal shit, and it also took me to well into adulthood (and on my own surrounded by normal people, at least to outsiders) to recognize it. I was handicapped by living in a three-person household that moved often, so no intimacies from outsiders were able to be formed, and a father who was absent a lot re TDY (temporary duty).
Many similarities with my family there. There was no way to reach out for help without making life ten times worse. Dad worked second shift, so I didn't see him much. Mother had pushed him out of his role as dad, except when she wanted him to physically discipline us. Afterwards, she would tell us that he would" beat us every day" if it weren't for her protecting us. I began to realize that it was her who made any beatings happen, and it was her tool for trying to make us hate our dad. It worked for my brother, and he really did hate dad. Their relationship never improved, although my brother seemed to have become more reflective years after dad died.
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Sheesh Brenda, do you have any idea what happened to make her so off? Was it a legacy?
The Brad
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@Catseye3 said in Student loans:
@brenda said in Student loans:
it took decades for me to see all of what she was doing and had done. Childhood abuse is very insidious, and difficult for the child to recognize.
Same-same. I also had maternal shit, and it also took me to well into adulthood (and on my own surrounded by normal people, at least to outsiders) to recognize it. I was handicapped by living in a three-person household that moved often, so no intimacies from outsiders were able to be formed, and a father who was absent a lot re TDY (temporary duty).
Many similarities with my family there. There was no way to reach out for help without making life ten times worse. Dad worked second shift, so I didn't see him much. Mother had pushed him out of his role as dad, except when she wanted him to physically discipline us. Afterwards, she would tell us that he would" beat us every day" if it weren't for her protecting us. I began to realize that it was her who made any beatings happen, and it was her tool for trying to make us hate our dad. It worked for my brother, and he really did hate dad. Their relationship never improved, although my brother seemed to have become more reflective years after dad died.
@brenda said in Student loans:
@Catseye3 said in Student loans:
@brenda said in Student loans:
it took decades for me to see all of what she was doing and had done. Childhood abuse is very insidious, and difficult for the child to recognize.
Same-same. I also had maternal shit, and it also took me to well into adulthood (and on my own surrounded by normal people, at least to outsiders) to recognize it. I was handicapped by living in a three-person household that moved often, so no intimacies from outsiders were able to be formed, and a father who was absent a lot re TDY (temporary duty).
Many similarities with my family there. There was no way to reach out for help without making life ten times worse. Dad worked second shift, so I didn't see him much. Mother had pushed him out of his role as dad, except when she wanted him to physically discipline us. Afterwards, she would tell us that he would" beat us every day" if it weren't for her protecting us. I began to realize that it was her who made any beatings happen, and it was her tool for trying to make us hate our dad. It worked for my brother, and he really did hate dad. Their relationship never improved, although my brother seemed to have become more reflective years after dad died.
Holy crap, brenda.
️ I'm so sorry you had to deal with that.Please love yourself.
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Sheesh Brenda, do you have any idea what happened to make her so off? Was it a legacy?
@LuFins-Dad said in Student loans:
Sheesh Brenda, do you have any idea what happened to make her so off? Was it a legacy?
There was some family history that could have made it a legacy thing, and she definitely has a personality disorder. No details on how, but I had a professional meet with mom and me for a discussion, and a last chance to ask mom about some history in our relationship. In a rare moment, mother showed her true self during the meeting. Afterwards, when my mother had left, the professional leaned forward, put her face in her hands, and said, "Oh, Brenda. Your mother ... your mother ..." My reply: "Isn't she a peach?"
I asked the professional if my mother could ever change. That was what I wanted to know. She said of all the people she worked with, this type of personality disorder was the most difficult. "They don't want to change. Nothing is ever their fault. They never do anything wrong." Since mother was getting worse, trying to hurt my husband and daughter, and not willing to make a change herself, then I had to make a change. I don't know what started her problem, but I know who ended it.
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@brenda said in Student loans:
@Catseye3 said in Student loans:
@brenda said in Student loans:
it took decades for me to see all of what she was doing and had done. Childhood abuse is very insidious, and difficult for the child to recognize.
Same-same. I also had maternal shit, and it also took me to well into adulthood (and on my own surrounded by normal people, at least to outsiders) to recognize it. I was handicapped by living in a three-person household that moved often, so no intimacies from outsiders were able to be formed, and a father who was absent a lot re TDY (temporary duty).
Many similarities with my family there. There was no way to reach out for help without making life ten times worse. Dad worked second shift, so I didn't see him much. Mother had pushed him out of his role as dad, except when she wanted him to physically discipline us. Afterwards, she would tell us that he would" beat us every day" if it weren't for her protecting us. I began to realize that it was her who made any beatings happen, and it was her tool for trying to make us hate our dad. It worked for my brother, and he really did hate dad. Their relationship never improved, although my brother seemed to have become more reflective years after dad died.
Holy crap, brenda.
️ I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. -
@Catseye3 said in Student loans:
@Aqua-Letifer said in Student loans:
Holy crap, brenda. ️ I'm so sorry you had to deal with that.
Right back at ya, buddy!
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While sad, it has a silver lining in that you rose above and are stronger and more loving for it.
@Mik said in Student loans:
While sad, it has a silver lining in that you rose above and are stronger and more loving for it.
Ayup. Some people teach you how to be, and some people teach you how not to be.
I recently had a profound moment with kiddo when she said she wanted me to talk with one of her friends who is having trouble. Kiddo said this friend needed a good parent to help her.
Wow. Best compliment ever from kiddo. Virtual hugs all around for that one!
