This guy ain’t ready for prime time.
We landed on cool, smooth stone, and I seriously considered never moving again. I looked up in time to see the setting sun. It took a few seconds before I realized that we’d left New York City at dawn.
Adverbs are the devil. “Seriously considered” is bumsauce description. “I was in no rush to pull myself up” or a dozen other responses would have been better.
But wait: you seriously considered never moving again, but looked up anyway? In time to see the setting sun?
If you’re seriously considering never moving again, you’re not going to look up.
Sunsets aren’t “up.” They’re out. Off in the distance. Level to the horizon.
“Looked up in time”? Has this guy never seen a sunset? It’s a process, it takes awhile. It’s not a thing you miss if you don’t look up in time.
It took a few seconds before I realized that we’d left New York City at dawn.
This is maid-and-butler writing. What he's doing is telling you things he wants you, the reader to know, by hijacking a character and making him speak for the writer. I say "hijacking" because only maps label it "New York City". If you're from there, it's the city. If you're not, it's New York.
When I got started, I joined an online crit community. Contributed on and off for quite awhile. His writing reads like that other stuff. Not really a dig—I hope he keeps at it—that's just where he's at.
Also not at all surprised he's a Jim Butcher fan. That's basically where he got his premise from.
