So....

[jon-nyc]

Best thing about sex with an Amish girl?

She doesn’t expect you to call the next day.

[LuFins Dad]

The doctor told me I had to quit masturbating. I asked her why. She said “because you’re in the middle of a prostate exam, asshole”

[jon-nyc]

Someone just told me Einstein was a real person.

And all this time I thought he was a theoretical physicist.

[AndyD]

You know dynamite was invented by Alfred Nobel.
At first he didn't have a name for it; then it blew his house up and he said, this stuff's dynamite.

Someone just threw Chinese soup at me.
It was won-ton violence.

[jon-nyc]

I thought my new girlfriend might be 'The One'.

But after looking through her underwear drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French Maid's outfit and a Policewoman uniform I've decided, if she can't hold down a job, she's not the right one for me.

[jon-nyc]

So… one of my testicles hangs lower than the other two.

Is this normal?

[jon-nyc]

Yesterday I didn't take a nap.

Pulled an all-dayer.

[jon-nyc]

12 years ago today my friend Dave came out running and screaming “IT’S A BOY!!!” with tears streaming down his face.

We’ve never been back to Thailand since.

[Mik]

Two guys in their mid-twenties are sitting at a bar having a beer.

One of the guys remarks to the other,

"Boy, you look tired!"

His friend replies, "Dude, I'm exhausted. My girlfriend wants to make love all the time - three, four, sometimes even six times a night! She wakes me up at all hours. I don't know what to do!"

An old gentleman in his seventies, sitting a few bar stools down, overhears their conversation.

He looked over at the two men and, showing the wisdom of his age, says,

"Marry her, that'll put an end to that nonsense!"

[jon-nyc]

Lol

[jon-nyc]

I want my kid to have everything I couldn’t afford.

Then I want to move in with him.

[jon-nyc]

I wonder if my recorded call has ever been used for quality or training purposes.

[jon-nyc]

I often wonder who Pete is and why we do things for his sake.

[LuFins Dad]

@jon-nyc said in So....:

I often wonder who Pete is and why we do things for his sake.

I always wonder what Will did to make the the Army always fire at him.

[jon-nyc]

The only time I ever get asked for sex is on medical forms.

[jon-nyc]

Of all the things that taste like chicken, it’s weird that eggs aren’t one of them.

[taiwan_girl]

@jon-nyc

[jon-nyc]

I’ve gotten quite good at ventriloquism recently.

Scared the shit out of my urologist the other day.

[Mik]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger...In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days. "Before I kill you, I grant you three requests. What is your FIRST request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the Horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse. But I will still kill you in two days."
"What is your SECOND request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your LAST request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse...alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,
"Listen Very Carefully!!!
"FOR...THE...LAST...TIME..."
"BRING POSSE"

[jon-nyc]

Everyone told Sam not to sing.

But Samsung anyway.