So....

[Catseye3]

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either. -- Jack Benny

[Catseye3]

Christ, seven years of college, down the drain. -- John Belushi

[Catseye3]

There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap. -- Kevin James

[jon-nyc]

My idiot friend keeps saying, “Every time I go to Taco Bell, I get diarrhea.”

I said, “Try ordering Tacos instead.”

[Catseye3]

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat. --- George Carlin

[jon-nyc]

What do you call a woman who doesn’t give head?

A taxi.

[Catseye3]

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. -- Phyllis Diller

[George K]

The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup.

I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."

[Catseye3]

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives. -- Billy Connolly

[jon-nyc]

Why can’t Miss Piggy count to seventy?

At sixty-nine she gets a frog in her throat.

[Catseye3]

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit. -- Billy Connolly

[Catseye3]

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.' -- Demetri Martin

[Catseye3]

Coach: “How’s a beer sound, Norm?”
Norm: “I don't know, I usually finish before they get a word in.”
—Coach and Norm, Cheers

[Catseye3]

“What they could do to make it easier is combine the two, real estate and obituaries: Mr. Klein died today leaving a wife, two children, and a spacious three-bedroom apartment with a wood-burning fireplace.”
—Harry (Billy Crystal)

[jon-nyc]

So…. My wife called me a sex machine.

Well, she said “you’re a fucking tool” but I knew what she meant.

[jon-nyc]

So… my next door neighbor is a porn star.

She’s going to be so mad when she finds out.

[George K]

Why aren't there any aspirin tablets in the jungle?

Because the parrots eat 'em all.

[George K]

Anthony Fauci now admits that funding gain of research on viruses was a mistake.

He says he should have been funding gain of function research on Joe Biden.

[Catseye3]

Did you hear about the Aggie who won a gold medal in the Olympics? He was so proud of it that he had it bronzed.

(Is this a Dad joke? It feels like a Dad joke.)

[George K]

Where do mansplainers get their water?

From a “well actually.”