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My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare. -- Mike Myers
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either. -- Jack Benny
Christ, seven years of college, down the drain. -- John Belushi
There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap. -- Kevin James
My idiot friend keeps saying, “Every time I go to Taco Bell, I get diarrhea.”
I said, “Try ordering Tacos instead.”
When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat. --- George Carlin
What do you call a woman who doesn’t give head?
A taxi.
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. -- Phyllis Diller
The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup.
I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."
I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives. -- Billy Connolly
Why can’t Miss Piggy count to seventy?
At sixty-nine she gets a frog in her throat.
Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit. -- Billy Connolly
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.' -- Demetri Martin
Coach: “How’s a beer sound, Norm?” Norm: “I don't know, I usually finish before they get a word in.” —Coach and Norm, Cheers
“What they could do to make it easier is combine the two, real estate and obituaries: Mr. Klein died today leaving a wife, two children, and a spacious three-bedroom apartment with a wood-burning fireplace.” —Harry (Billy Crystal)
So…. My wife called me a sex machine.
Well, she said “you’re a fucking tool” but I knew what she meant.
So… my next door neighbor is a porn star.
She’s going to be so mad when she finds out.
Why aren't there any aspirin tablets in the jungle?
Because the parrots eat 'em all.
Anthony Fauci now admits that funding gain of research on viruses was a mistake.
He says he should have been funding gain of function research on Joe Biden.
Did you hear about the Aggie who won a gold medal in the Olympics? He was so proud of it that he had it bronzed.
(Is this a Dad joke? It feels like a Dad joke.)
