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My girlfriend called me a gullible idiot and told me not to believe everything I read on the internet.
I told her I don’t have to put up with this shit, not when there are desperate horny milfs less than a mile from my house.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there would be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Seen on a T-shirt:
"If I said I'll fix it, I will. There is no need to remind me every six months."
I now have an epipen. My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
What’s the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
One looks up the family tree. The other looks up the family bush.
Turn any sofa into a bed by telling your wife to calm down.
Follow me for more life hacks.
What’s the non-binary agenda?
Trick question, they don’t have agenda
@jon-nyc said in So....:
Turn any sofa into a bed by telling your wife to calm down. Follow me for more life hacks.
Turn any sofa into a hospital bed by telling your wife to calm down.
FIFY.
I asked Karla where she wanted to go for date night.
She said she doesn’t care just so long as it’s somewhere she’s never been before….
So the kitchen it is…
I asked my mirror yesterday if there is anybody prettier than me. The bastard is still reciting names.
Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect. -- Benny Hill
@Catseye3 said in So....:
Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.
My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare. -- Mike Myers
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either. -- Jack Benny
Christ, seven years of college, down the drain. -- John Belushi
There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap. -- Kevin James
My idiot friend keeps saying, “Every time I go to Taco Bell, I get diarrhea.”
I said, “Try ordering Tacos instead.”
When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat. --- George Carlin
What do you call a woman who doesn’t give head?
A taxi.
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. -- Phyllis Diller
