So....

[Larry]

This woman was running around trying to get dressed for a dinner party, and they were running late. She just couldn't make up her mind what to wear. Her husband waited patiently..,

She came flying through the room and said "I'm so frazzled... I don't know if I'm coming or going.."

Her husband says "you must be going. Because when you're coming you look like a Down's Syndrome kid trying to whistle....."

[jon-nyc]

When is it too late to have a baby shower?

Because my mom never had one for me and I need clothes.

[Copper]

Link to video

[George K]

@Copper Steven Wright was great.

Is he still around?

[Catseye3]

@George-K Is he still around?

Alive apparently, but not working???

Wright quote: "I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

[jon-nyc]

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

She gagged.

[George K]

So, when they said, "History repeats itself..."

I wasn't expecting the entire 20th century in 2 years.

[Catseye3]

Two cowboys are on the edge of a cliff when they hear the sound of war drums. One cowboy looks at the other and says, "I don't like the sound of those war drums." From below they hear someone shout, "He's not our regular drummer!"

[Larry]

Knock Knock

Who's there

Grandpa

Oh shit! Stop the funeral!!

[Larry]

My wife's dog died. I wanted to cheer her up so I went out and bought her another one just like it.

She got so mad at me.

"What am I going to do with 2 dead dogs???"

[Larry]

I went to the doctor.. I pulled out my penis and said "I'm a little premature."

She said "I'll say.... I'm the receptionist..."

[Larry]

I picked this girl up in a bar the other night and we went to a motel. After a few mi tues I said "I'm sorry, but I seem to be having trouble getting an erection."

She said "don't worry about it. That used to happen to me too...."

[Larry]

I saw some people of the street today holding up a sign saying they were collecting money for Parkinson's research..

They were all shaking cans, which I thought was a bit insensitive...

[Larry]

I was watching a really strange porno movie the other day. 30 minutes of some old guy sitting there wanking off and crying....

Then I noticed I'd forgotten to turn on the tv...

[Larry]

I called the rape advice hotline the other day..

Apparently it's intended for only victims....

[Larry]

We couldnt decide if we wanted to bury my mother in law or have her cremated...

So in the end we decided to let her live....

[Larry]

My wife told me the best way to perform oral sex was to spell out the alphabet with my tongue.

I got pretty good at it too..

She left me for some Chinese guy....

[Larry]

When i was young my mother would say "just look at your messy room!! You'll never get a decent, self respecting girl to come back here.."

Luckily, those weren't the ones I was going for.....

[jon-nyc]

I’m pretty excited, I just got final confirmation from my loan officer.

I’m closing on a full tank of gas this weekend.

[Larry]

My wife told me I wasn't romantic enough...

A while ago we were on the couch kissing and she said "what do you say we take this to the bedroom?"

I said "ok... you get that end...."