So....
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wrote on 9 Mar 2022, 15:05 last edited by
My wife's dog died. I wanted to cheer her up so I went out and bought her another one just like it.
She got so mad at me.
"What am I going to do with 2 dead dogs???"
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wrote on 9 Mar 2022, 15:07 last edited by
I went to the doctor.. I pulled out my penis and said "I'm a little premature."
She said "I'll say.... I'm the receptionist..."
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wrote on 9 Mar 2022, 16:26 last edited by Larry 3 Sept 2022, 16:28
I picked this girl up in a bar the other night and we went to a motel. After a few mi tues I said "I'm sorry, but I seem to be having trouble getting an erection."
She said "don't worry about it. That used to happen to me too...."
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wrote on 9 Mar 2022, 16:30 last edited by
I saw some people of the street today holding up a sign saying they were collecting money for Parkinson's research..
They were all shaking cans, which I thought was a bit insensitive...
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wrote on 9 Mar 2022, 16:33 last edited by Larry 3 Sept 2022, 16:34
I was watching a really strange porno movie the other day. 30 minutes of some old guy sitting there wanking off and crying....
Then I noticed I'd forgotten to turn on the tv...
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wrote on 9 Mar 2022, 16:37 last edited by Larry 3 Sept 2022, 16:38
I called the rape advice hotline the other day..
Apparently it's intended for only victims....
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wrote on 9 Mar 2022, 16:42 last edited by
We couldnt decide if we wanted to bury my mother in law or have her cremated...
So in the end we decided to let her live....
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wrote on 9 Mar 2022, 16:48 last edited by
My wife told me the best way to perform oral sex was to spell out the alphabet with my tongue.
I got pretty good at it too..
She left me for some Chinese guy....
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wrote on 9 Mar 2022, 17:04 last edited by
When i was young my mother would say "just look at your messy room!! You'll never get a decent, self respecting girl to come back here.."
Luckily, those weren't the ones I was going for.....
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wrote on 9 Mar 2022, 18:36 last edited by
I’m pretty excited, I just got final confirmation from my loan officer.
I’m closing on a full tank of gas this weekend.
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wrote on 10 Mar 2022, 02:47 last edited by
My wife told me I wasn't romantic enough...
A while ago we were on the couch kissing and she said "what do you say we take this to the bedroom?"
I said "ok... you get that end...."
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wrote on 10 Mar 2022, 02:49 last edited by
Why is it that when women go to the bathroom in pairs no one cares, but when I did it they threw me out of the restaurant?
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wrote on 10 Mar 2022, 02:51 last edited by
I recently lost my thesaurus.
I just can't find the words to describe how upset I am....
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wrote on 10 Mar 2022, 02:57 last edited by
I just finished reading a book on Stockholm Syndrome.
It started out really bad but by the time I got to the end I loved it.....
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wrote on 10 Mar 2022, 15:02 last edited by
I checked Kelly Blue Book to see the value of my car.
It asked me if the tank was empty or full.
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wrote on 11 Mar 2022, 11:32 last edited by
Gas has gotten so expensive, rappers are now drinking it in music videos.
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wrote on 11 Mar 2022, 12:27 last edited by
My new girlfriend is 7’4”
This might be TMI, but she loves it when I go up on her.
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G George K referenced this topic on 11 Mar 2022, 16:50
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wrote on 11 Mar 2022, 21:07 last edited by
I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins.
I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
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wrote on 12 Mar 2022, 22:30 last edited by
What's the difference between Disney and PornHub?
Disney wants you to hate your stepmom.
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wrote on 13 Mar 2022, 20:15 last edited by
So....
This big, burly, mean looking guy says to me "if you saw me breaking into your house one night, would you call 911"
I said "nope. I'd call 811."
He says "why would you call 811 instead of 911?"
I said "911 is who you call when you need help. 811 is who you call before you dig."