So....
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George, you're in danger of losing your football non-fan status.
D2 lives in Milwaukee. I changed the punchline and emailed it to her, just to piss her off.
And, the other football joke I know:
Q: Why doesn't Milwaukee have a professional football team?
A: Because if they did, Chicago would want one too.
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A first-grade teacher can't believe her student isn't hepped up about the Super Bowl.
"It's a huge event. Why aren't you excited?"
"Because I'm not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too," says the student.
"Well, that's a lousy reason," says the teacher. "What if your parents were morons? What would you be then?"
"Then I'd be a football fan." -
An old woman walked up to a saloon in the old west and tied her old mule to the hitching post.
As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, “Hey old woman, have you ever danced?”
The old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, “No,… I never did dance… never really wanted to.”
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said “Well, you old bag, you’re gonna dance now,” and started shooting at the old woman’s feet. The old woman prospector — not wanting to get her toe blown off –started hopping around.
Everybody was laughing. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air, and the crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old woman’s hands, as she quietly said, “Son, have you ever kissed a mule’s ass?”The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, “No m’am… but i’ve always wanted to."
There are five lessons here for all of us:
1 – Never be arrogant.
2 – Don’t waste ammunition.
3 – Whiskey makes you think you’re smarter than you are.
4 – Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 – Don’t mess with old women; they didn’t get old by being stupid. -
My favorite childhood memory was building sand castles with grandpa.
Until mom came and took the urn away.
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Beware the scams out there!
I ordered jewelry for my wife for Valentines and they sent me a new fishing rod.
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I’m so unlucky when it comes to love….
I asked a blind girl out yesterday and she told me she was seeing somebody.
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How do you get a gender studies major off your doorstep?
Pay for the fucking pizza.
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So… I’m currently in a love triangle.
I love this girl, she loves nobody, and nobody loves me.
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I don't really like cocaine, I just love the way it smells.
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Superman once challenged Chuck Norris to a fight. The loser had wear his underwear over his clothes for the rest of his life.
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I just landed a senior role at Old McDonalds farm.
I’m the CIEIO.
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What’s the difference between a cult and a religion?
In a cult, there’s a guy at the top who knows it’s all a scam.
In a religion, that guy is dead.
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During a recent password audit, a blonde woman was discovered to have the password “MickeyMinnieGoofyHueyDeweyLouisDonaldDaffySacramento”
When asked why she said “they said it needed to be eight characters and a capital”.
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I called the suicide hotline in Afghanistan.
They got all excited and asked if I knew how to drive a truck.
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During a recent password audit, a blonde woman was discovered to have the password “MickeyMinnieGoofyHueyDeweyLouisDonaldDaffySacramento”
When asked why she said “they said it needed to be eight characters and a capital”.
The eight characters are fine but Sacramento is too correct.
Perhaps make it Los Angeles or San Francisco or New York City. -
When I’m bored I’ll call the local Best Western hotel.
When they pick up the phone and say “Best Western,” I say “True Grit with John Wayne” and hang up.
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I sold my vacuum the other day.
All it was doing was collecting dust.
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It's not that I like cocaine, really. I just love the way it smells.
