So....
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wrote on 28 Jan 2022, 21:59 last edited by
Remember - taking the vegetables off your double bacon cheeseburger reduces the amount of calories consumed.
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G George K referenced this topic on 28 Jan 2022, 22:03
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wrote on 29 Jan 2022, 03:30 last edited by
Boobs are like train sets. They’re met for kids but dads love them too.
Oh, and you can do more with the bigger sets.
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wrote on 31 Jan 2022, 23:01 last edited by
So…. My girlfriend gave me a blow job on the way over to her parents house.
In hindsight we should have waited until we dropped them off.
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wrote on 2 Feb 2022, 23:22 last edited by
So… I bought a wheelbarrow for my testicles.
It drives me nuts.
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So…. My girlfriend gave me a blow job on the way over to her parents house.
In hindsight we should have waited until we dropped them off.
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wrote on 4 Feb 2022, 16:09 last edited by
I don't like the word xenophobia. It just sounds foreign to me.
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wrote on 7 Feb 2022, 13:08 last edited by
My daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie, so I said, “Hey, the 90s’ called!”
And she replied, “Yeah, because they couldn’t text.”
Goddammit! I’m tired of my kids owning me.
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wrote on 7 Feb 2022, 16:26 last edited by
I was really struggling to get my wife's attention....
So I sat down on the sofa and looked comfortable. That did the trick.
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wrote on 7 Feb 2022, 16:55 last edited by
I told my wife I wanted to switch places with her.
She said "ok... you do the ironing and I'll lay on the couch and fart.."
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wrote on 8 Feb 2022, 20:59 last edited by
Q. What do you call a bunch of millionaires sitting around a television watching the Super Bowl?
A. The Cleveland Browns.
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Q. What do you call a bunch of millionaires sitting around a television watching the Super Bowl?
A. The Cleveland Browns.
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wrote on 8 Feb 2022, 21:12 last edited by
George, you're in danger of losing your football non-fan status.
D2 lives in Milwaukee. I changed the punchline and emailed it to her, just to piss her off.
And, the other football joke I know:
Q: Why doesn't Milwaukee have a professional football team?
A: Because if they did, Chicago would want one too.
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wrote on 8 Feb 2022, 21:28 last edited by
A first-grade teacher can't believe her student isn't hepped up about the Super Bowl.
"It's a huge event. Why aren't you excited?"
"Because I'm not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too," says the student.
"Well, that's a lousy reason," says the teacher. "What if your parents were morons? What would you be then?"
"Then I'd be a football fan." -
wrote on 9 Feb 2022, 02:05 last edited by
How can you tell if a fat girl is wearing panty hose?
If she's wearing them, when she farts her ankles swell.
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wrote on 13 Feb 2022, 12:48 last edited by
An old woman walked up to a saloon in the old west and tied her old mule to the hitching post.
As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, “Hey old woman, have you ever danced?”
The old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, “No,… I never did dance… never really wanted to.”
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said “Well, you old bag, you’re gonna dance now,” and started shooting at the old woman’s feet. The old woman prospector — not wanting to get her toe blown off –started hopping around.
Everybody was laughing. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air, and the crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old woman’s hands, as she quietly said, “Son, have you ever kissed a mule’s ass?”The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, “No m’am… but i’ve always wanted to."
There are five lessons here for all of us:
1 – Never be arrogant.
2 – Don’t waste ammunition.
3 – Whiskey makes you think you’re smarter than you are.
4 – Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 – Don’t mess with old women; they didn’t get old by being stupid. -
wrote on 13 Feb 2022, 19:56 last edited by
My favorite childhood memory was building sand castles with grandpa.
Until mom came and took the urn away.
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wrote on 14 Feb 2022, 15:20 last edited by
Beware the scams out there!
I ordered jewelry for my wife for Valentines and they sent me a new fishing rod.
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wrote on 15 Feb 2022, 23:22 last edited by
I’m so unlucky when it comes to love….
I asked a blind girl out yesterday and she told me she was seeing somebody.
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wrote on 15 Feb 2022, 23:52 last edited by
How do you get a gender studies major off your doorstep?
Pay for the fucking pizza.