So....
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wrote on 28 Jan 2022, 13:43 last edited by
There's no need to tailgate me in the slow lane, especially when I'm going 35mph over the speed limit.
And those flashing lights on top of your car look ridiculous.
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Years ago, a young Navy Pilot was injured while ejecting from his A-4 Skyhawk due to engine failure during a cat shot from the carrier, but due to the heroics of rescue helicopter crew and the ship's hospital staff, the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.
Since he wasn't physically impaired, he remained on flight status and eventually became an Admiral.
However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.
One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff.
The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him,
"Do you notice anything different about me?"The Master Chief answered, "Why, yes, Admiral. I couldn't help but notice that you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."
The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, Sir, you seem to be short one ear."
The Admiral threw him out as well.
The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question. "Do you notice anything different about me?"
To his surprise, the Sergeant Major said, "Yes Sir. You wear contact lenses."
The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine.
"And how would you know that?" the Admiral asked.
The Sergeant Major replied: "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one fuckin' ear.
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wrote on 28 Jan 2022, 21:59 last edited by
Remember - taking the vegetables off your double bacon cheeseburger reduces the amount of calories consumed.
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G George K referenced this topic on 28 Jan 2022, 22:03
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wrote on 29 Jan 2022, 03:30 last edited by
Boobs are like train sets. They’re met for kids but dads love them too.
Oh, and you can do more with the bigger sets.
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wrote on 31 Jan 2022, 23:01 last edited by
So…. My girlfriend gave me a blow job on the way over to her parents house.
In hindsight we should have waited until we dropped them off.
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wrote on 2 Feb 2022, 23:22 last edited by
So… I bought a wheelbarrow for my testicles.
It drives me nuts.
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So…. My girlfriend gave me a blow job on the way over to her parents house.
In hindsight we should have waited until we dropped them off.
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wrote on 4 Feb 2022, 16:09 last edited by
I don't like the word xenophobia. It just sounds foreign to me.
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wrote on 7 Feb 2022, 13:08 last edited by
My daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie, so I said, “Hey, the 90s’ called!”
And she replied, “Yeah, because they couldn’t text.”
Goddammit! I’m tired of my kids owning me.
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wrote on 7 Feb 2022, 16:26 last edited by
I was really struggling to get my wife's attention....
So I sat down on the sofa and looked comfortable. That did the trick.
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wrote on 7 Feb 2022, 16:55 last edited by
I told my wife I wanted to switch places with her.
She said "ok... you do the ironing and I'll lay on the couch and fart.."
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wrote on 8 Feb 2022, 20:59 last edited by
Q. What do you call a bunch of millionaires sitting around a television watching the Super Bowl?
A. The Cleveland Browns.
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Q. What do you call a bunch of millionaires sitting around a television watching the Super Bowl?
A. The Cleveland Browns.
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wrote on 8 Feb 2022, 21:12 last edited by
George, you're in danger of losing your football non-fan status.
D2 lives in Milwaukee. I changed the punchline and emailed it to her, just to piss her off.
And, the other football joke I know:
Q: Why doesn't Milwaukee have a professional football team?
A: Because if they did, Chicago would want one too.
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wrote on 8 Feb 2022, 21:28 last edited by
A first-grade teacher can't believe her student isn't hepped up about the Super Bowl.
"It's a huge event. Why aren't you excited?"
"Because I'm not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too," says the student.
"Well, that's a lousy reason," says the teacher. "What if your parents were morons? What would you be then?"
"Then I'd be a football fan." -
wrote on 9 Feb 2022, 02:05 last edited by
How can you tell if a fat girl is wearing panty hose?
If she's wearing them, when she farts her ankles swell.
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wrote on 13 Feb 2022, 12:48 last edited by
An old woman walked up to a saloon in the old west and tied her old mule to the hitching post.
As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, “Hey old woman, have you ever danced?”
The old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, “No,… I never did dance… never really wanted to.”
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said “Well, you old bag, you’re gonna dance now,” and started shooting at the old woman’s feet. The old woman prospector — not wanting to get her toe blown off –started hopping around.
Everybody was laughing. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air, and the crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old woman’s hands, as she quietly said, “Son, have you ever kissed a mule’s ass?”The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, “No m’am… but i’ve always wanted to."
There are five lessons here for all of us:
1 – Never be arrogant.
2 – Don’t waste ammunition.
3 – Whiskey makes you think you’re smarter than you are.
4 – Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 – Don’t mess with old women; they didn’t get old by being stupid. -
wrote on 13 Feb 2022, 19:56 last edited by
My favorite childhood memory was building sand castles with grandpa.
Until mom came and took the urn away.
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wrote on 14 Feb 2022, 15:20 last edited by
Beware the scams out there!
I ordered jewelry for my wife for Valentines and they sent me a new fishing rod.
