So....

[jon-nyc]

After I went bald I still kept my comb.

I just can’t part with it.

[jon-nyc]

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I’d say my biggest weakness is listening.

[jon-nyc]

According to my chocolate Advent calendar, there are only 3 more days until Christmas.

[jon-nyc]

I had a cross-eyed girlfriend once. It didn’t work out though, we just couldn’t see eye to eye.

Plus, I think she was seeing someone on the side.

[jon-nyc]

I was going to take one of those Viking River cruises but then I found out you don’t get to loot villages and monasteries along the way.

[Catseye3]

@jon-nyc said in So....:

According to my chocolate Advent calendar, there are only 3 more days until Christmas.

[George K]

@jon-nyc said in So....:

I was going to take one of those Viking River cruises but then I found out you don’t get to loot villages and monasteries along the way.

[jon-nyc]

I’m told watching tropical fish can have a relaxing effect on the brain.

It’s because of the indoor fins.

[George K]

Why did the Italian boy try to grow a mustache?

So he could look like his mama.

[Larry]

@george-k said in So....:

Why did the Italian boy try to grow a mustache?

So he could look like his mama.

Cold.

[jon-nyc]

Walmart is giving out free turkeys to anyone who can outrun security.

[jon-nyc]

What’s worse than your girlfriend sending you a break-up text?

A follow-up text saying ‘Sorry, that wasn’t for you.’

[George K]

Apologies if I posted this earlier.

Q: What's the difference between babies and cats?

A: When you get tired of carrying a baby, you can't just drop it on the floor.

[Ivorythumper]

so….

I told my psychiatrist about my fear of palindromes and he put me on Xanax.

[George K]

@ivorythumper stealing that one....

[jon-nyc]

@george-k said in So....:

Apologies if I posted this earlier.

Q: What's the difference between babies and cats?

A: When you get tired of carrying a baby, you can't just drop it on the floor.

Sez who???

[jon-nyc]

Between Saving Private Ryan ($70 MM), Interstellar
($165 MM), and The Martian ($108 MM), America has spent nearly $350 million trying to rescue Matt Damon.

[Ivorythumper]

So… a guy walks into a bar with a newt.

"A pint of beer for me and a glass of water for my newt, please."

"Strange pet," says the barkeep. "What’s his name?"

"Tiny," answers the man.

"Why?" the bartender inquires.

"I call him Tiny because he’s my newt."

[jon-nyc]

A mother and her son were on a Southwest Airlines flight.
The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes? The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, 'If big dogs have baby dogs
and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'

The busy flight attendant smiled and said, ‘Did your Mother tell you to ask me?' The boy said, 'Yes, she did! 'Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time.

Have your mother explain that to you."

[jon-nyc]

To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through his heart.

It sounds simple but the process is painstaking.