So....
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wrote on 5 Nov 2021, 21:35 last edited by
After I went bald I still kept my comb.
I just can’t part with it.
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wrote on 6 Nov 2021, 18:39 last edited by
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I’d say my biggest weakness is listening.
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wrote on 8 Nov 2021, 03:07 last edited by
According to my chocolate Advent calendar, there are only 3 more days until Christmas.
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wrote on 8 Nov 2021, 03:32 last edited by
I had a cross-eyed girlfriend once. It didn’t work out though, we just couldn’t see eye to eye.
Plus, I think she was seeing someone on the side.
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wrote on 8 Nov 2021, 12:30 last edited by
I was going to take one of those Viking River cruises but then I found out you don’t get to loot villages and monasteries along the way.
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I was going to take one of those Viking River cruises but then I found out you don’t get to loot villages and monasteries along the way.
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wrote on 9 Nov 2021, 02:46 last edited by
I’m told watching tropical fish can have a relaxing effect on the brain.
It’s because of the indoor fins.
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wrote on 9 Nov 2021, 15:43 last edited by
Why did the Italian boy try to grow a mustache?
So he could look like his mama.
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wrote on 11 Nov 2021, 09:37 last edited by
Walmart is giving out free turkeys to anyone who can outrun security.
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wrote on 11 Nov 2021, 12:22 last edited by
What’s worse than your girlfriend sending you a break-up text?
A follow-up text saying ‘Sorry, that wasn’t for you.’
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wrote on 11 Nov 2021, 12:36 last edited by
Apologies if I posted this earlier.
Q: What's the difference between babies and cats?
A: When you get tired of carrying a baby, you can't just drop it on the floor.
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wrote on 12 Nov 2021, 14:09 last edited by
so….
I told my psychiatrist about my fear of palindromes and he put me on Xanax.
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so….
I told my psychiatrist about my fear of palindromes and he put me on Xanax.
wrote on 12 Nov 2021, 14:57 last edited by@ivorythumper stealing that one....
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Apologies if I posted this earlier.
Q: What's the difference between babies and cats?
A: When you get tired of carrying a baby, you can't just drop it on the floor.
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wrote on 15 Nov 2021, 16:16 last edited by
Between Saving Private Ryan ($70 MM), Interstellar
($165 MM), and The Martian ($108 MM), America has spent nearly $350 million trying to rescue Matt Damon. -
wrote on 15 Nov 2021, 17:37 last edited by
So… a guy walks into a bar with a newt.
"A pint of beer for me and a glass of water for my newt, please."
"Strange pet," says the barkeep. "What’s his name?"
"Tiny," answers the man.
"Why?" the bartender inquires.
"I call him Tiny because he’s my newt."
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wrote on 16 Nov 2021, 05:33 last edited by jon-nyc
A mother and her son were on a Southwest Airlines flight.
The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes? The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, 'If big dogs have baby dogs
and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'The busy flight attendant smiled and said, ‘Did your Mother tell you to ask me?' The boy said, 'Yes, she did! 'Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time.
Have your mother explain that to you."
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wrote on 16 Nov 2021, 10:05 last edited by
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through his heart.
It sounds simple but the process is painstaking.
