So....
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Sven and Ole work together in the City Parks Department, and with the beginning of spring, it’s time to fertilize the grass.
Sven looks at all the bags of fertilizer and sees various numbers behind some long words, like phosphorus, potassium, and nitrates. He’s completely bewildered about which bag to use.
Sven: “Say, Ole, look at dis here list of t’ings on dis here bag. Vat in the vorld are ‘p-hoss-p-hor-us’, ‘po-ta-toe-see-um’, and ‘nit-rates’?”
Ole: “Holy cow, Sven, I never heard of dat first vun. Ve bedder not use dat. Now dat next vun, dat potatoes vun, dat is no good for us to use. Ve’re not plantin’ potatoes for da City! But dat t’ird vun, you said dat vun all wrong. It’s not for nits, or Lena wudda been usin’ it on yer head already! Dat’s nite-rates, and I know about dat vun.”
Ole smiles and puffs his chest out with pride for knowing more than Sven about this one, and says, “Dat’s da good vun. Dat vun’s a good t’ing, cuz Lena told me dat nite-rates are alvays better dan day rates.”
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Two married women go out for a girls night out, and end up getting really drunk.
Walking home, they both have to pee, so they sneak into a graveyard. As they had nothing to wipe with, one woman used her panties and the other grabbed a wreath off of a nearby grave.
The next day, one of the husbands called the other and said "No more nights out, my wife came home with no panties".
The other said, "you think that's bad, my wife had a card in her crack that said 'from all of us at the firehouse, we will never forget you'".
It’s always something.
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Hey @Doctor-Phibes !
An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and drinks from a stream. A shepherd passing says "Dinnae drink frae that, it's fulla coo piss an shite!"
The Englishman says "Please say that in the Queen's English?"
The Shepherd says "Sorry sir, would you like this cup for a proper drink?"
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A nurse walks into her bank after an exhausting 12hr shift.
She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the teller and says “oh great, some asshole’s got my pen”.
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Heisenberg, Schrödinger and Ohm are riding in a car.
They get pulled over Heisenberg is driving and the cop says, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"No, but I know exactly where I am," Heisenberg replies.
The cop says, "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts, "Great! Now I'm lost!"
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop the trunk. He checks it out and calls out, "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"
"We do now, asshole!" Schrödinger shouts.
The cop moves to arrest them, but Ohm resists.
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An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
