So....

[Larry]

So...

How do you get a guitar player to stop playing?

Put sheet music in front of him...

[Larry]

When i was a kid my dad used to put me inside a car tire and roll me down a hill.

Ah, those were good years.....

[taiwan_girl]

@george-k said in So....:

@larry

Link to video

They have a fun website with other of their pranks. Lots of fun.

[Larry]

So... a democrat looked at the huge bale of hay and said "What's that?"

I said "the cattle eat it.."

The democrat said "Wow, that must be a huge cat!"

[jon-nyc]

Michael Jackson was way ahead of his time. Way back in the 90s he was using a mask, wearing gloves, and injecting bleach.

[jon-nyc]

Don't get mad at lazy people. They didn't do anything.

[jon-nyc]

So.... I saw these two blind guys fighting.

You should have seen their faces when I said ‘my money’s on the guy with the knife.’

[xenon]

Why are Republicans against impeachment?

They believe in carrying babies to full term.

[jon-nyc]

I just saw four homeless men giving each other the vaccine under a bridge. What a caring community we live in.

[jon-nyc]

A guy was admitted to ER last night with 24 plastic horses inserted into his rectum.

Doctors described his condition as stable.

[jon-nyc]

So... this homeless guy asked me for money today. I looked in my pocket and all I had was a $20 bill.

"Do I really want this money going towards drugs"?, I thought to myself. "Nah"!

So I gave him the $20.

[brenda]

Sven and Ole work together in the City Parks Department, and with the beginning of spring, it’s time to fertilize the grass.

Sven looks at all the bags of fertilizer and sees various numbers behind some long words, like phosphorus, potassium, and nitrates. He’s completely bewildered about which bag to use.

Sven: “Say, Ole, look at dis here list of t’ings on dis here bag. Vat in the vorld are ‘p-hoss-p-hor-us’, ‘po-ta-toe-see-um’, and ‘nit-rates’?”

Ole: “Holy cow, Sven, I never heard of dat first vun. Ve bedder not use dat. Now dat next vun, dat potatoes vun, dat is no good for us to use. Ve’re not plantin’ potatoes for da City! But dat t’ird vun, you said dat vun all wrong. It’s not for nits, or Lena wudda been usin’ it on yer head already! Dat’s nite-rates, and I know about dat vun.”

Ole smiles and puffs his chest out with pride for knowing more than Sven about this one, and says, “Dat’s da good vun. Dat vun’s a good t’ing, cuz Lena told me dat nite-rates are alvays better dan day rates.”

[jon-nyc]

If you fall off your horse and scrape your butt really badly, can you get a skin graft from a donor?

Arse skin for a friend.

[jon-nyc]

Two married women go out for a girls night out, and end up getting really drunk.

Walking home, they both have to pee, so they sneak into a graveyard. As they had nothing to wipe with, one woman used her panties and the other grabbed a wreath off of a nearby grave.

The next day, one of the husbands called the other and said "No more nights out, my wife came home with no panties".

The other said, "you think that's bad, my wife had a card in her crack that said 'from all of us at the firehouse, we will never forget you'".

[Catseye3]

@jon-nyc ROFL!!! Srsly.

[jon-nyc]

People who confuse “burrow” and “burro” don’t know their ass from a hole in the ground.

[jon-nyc]

Her: Can I get a light roast?

Barista: Sure. Your tits are small but I’d still smash.

[George K]

Hey @Doctor-Phibes !

An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and drinks from a stream. A shepherd passing says "Dinnae drink frae that, it's fulla coo piss an shite!"

The Englishman says "Please say that in the Queen's English?"

The Shepherd says "Sorry sir, would you like this cup for a proper drink?"

[jon-nyc]

Claustrophobia is a fear of closed spaces.

For example, it’s 10pm and I need to go to the liquor store but I’m afraid it’s closed.

[jon-nyc]

A nurse walks into her bank after an exhausting 12hr shift.

She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the teller and says “oh great, some asshole’s got my pen”.