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My friend has a bad stutter and by the time he told us his Nana had died, we were all singing Hey Jude.
Why is it a good thing when a woman goes through a box of tissues watching a movie, and gross when a guy goes through a box of tissues watching a movie?
Lol
To teach my kids about Democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked pizza.
Then I ordered sushi because we don't live in a swing state, so their votes don't matter.
I’m terrified about today’s science news. Genetically modifying crabs to have cheetah genes? This could go sideways fast.
When I was young I thought rich people owned Bose systems and the rest of us owned Sony products.
Turns out those were just stereotypes.
Karla just told me she wants another dog. In the past year, that’s 2 cats and 1 dog… I think she might be going through Many Paws.
Bro: Worst she could do is say no.
Her: Ewww.
If you serve your kids frozen pizza or chicken nuggets for dinner you’re a terrible parent.
I don’t care how busy you are, find the time to microwave them.
I did my first nude painting yesterday.
The neighbors weren't happy but my front door looks great.
I finally perfected the art of turning yarn into alcohol.
I knit you shot.
To everyone who wrote ‘stay cool’ in my high school yearbook, I have some devastating news…
I couldn’t afford an ancestry DNA kit.
So I started a rumor that I won the lottery and found all my relatives in record time.
You might not be the dumbest person in the world….
But you better hope he doesn’t die.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
People’s IQ should be presented like the weather.
Actual IQ: 105 Feels like: 82
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink.
I’m at urgent care waiting to be seen.
