So....
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wrote on 8 Oct 2024, 19:33 last edited by
What did Sir Lancelot say when he first saw Guinevere?
“I’d smite that.”
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wrote on 3 Nov 2024, 12:24 last edited by
The Presidential election of 2024 was too close to call. Neither Donald Trump nor Harris had enough votes to win. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the winner. A week-long ice fishing competition seemed to be a sportsmanlike way to settle things, and the candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election.
After much back-and-forth discussion, it was decided that the contest would take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Wisconsin. There were to be no observers present, and both politicians were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch for the day to be counted and verified by a team of neutral parties.
At the end of the first day, Trump returned to the starting line, and he had 10 fish. Soon, Harris returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed she was just having a bad day or something and hopefully, she would catch up the next day.
At the end of the 2nd day Trump came in with 20 fish and Harris came in again with none.
That evening, the Democrats got together secretly and said to Harris, we think Trump is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. Tomorrow, don't even bother fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating.
The next night (after Trump returns with 50 fish), the Democrats got together for the report of how the Republicans were cheating.
Harris shook her head and said, "You are not going to believe this, he's cutting holes in the ice.”
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wrote on 3 Nov 2024, 23:21 last edited by
I love the way Earth rotates.
It totally makes my day.
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wrote on 23 Nov 2024, 21:22 last edited by
I got invited to a party and was told to ‘dress to kill’
Apparently a Keffiyeh, beard, and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind.
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wrote on 14 Dec 2024, 23:18 last edited by jon-nyc
Miss Matilda, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!"The pastor fainted.
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wrote on 18 Dec 2024, 13:07 last edited by
My big breasted neighbor has been walking around in the garden topless all week
I just wish that his wife would do the same
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wrote on 19 Dec 2024, 20:31 last edited by
So I just rolled a joint.
You’re probably jealous, but don’t be.
It was my ankle.
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wrote on 3 Jan 2025, 09:43 last edited by
Somebody broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick? Seriously how low can you go?
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wrote on 11 Jan 2025, 15:25 last edited by
I got a vasectomy, but my girlfriend still got pregnant.
Apparently, all a vasectomy does is change the color of the baby.
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wrote on 12 Jan 2025, 12:47 last edited by
When I was 17 my conservative Christian parents sent me to one of those massive youth group events that celebrates how cool it is to be a virgin.
Joke's on them, I went to the Star Trek convention next door instead.
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wrote on 14 Jan 2025, 00:16 last edited by
Was trying to come up with my own recipe for haggis, but I’m not sure what it entrails.
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wrote on 16 Jan 2025, 23:43 last edited by
My wife calls me her sex machine all the time.
Well technically she says "You're a fucking tool" but I get what she means.
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wrote on 23 Jan 2025, 01:30 last edited by
If I owned a dog daycare I would call it Deez Mutts.
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wrote on 25 Jan 2025, 23:31 last edited by
Bigfoot frequently gets confused for Sasquatch.
Yeti never complains.
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wrote on 5 Feb 2025, 02:29 last edited by
The sweater I was wearing was picking up a lot of static electricity so I brought it back to the store.
They gave me a new one free of charge.
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wrote on 6 Feb 2025, 20:12 last edited by
I miss those weeks in 2020 when it was illegal for people to come near me.
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wrote on 11 Feb 2025, 02:45 last edited by
Back in my day there was so much toilet paper and eggs we would throw them at the houses of our enemies.
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wrote on 12 Feb 2025, 16:58 last edited by
I broke an egg making breakfast today.
The insurance company is sending out an adjuster tomorrow.
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wrote on 13 Feb 2025, 23:56 last edited by
I made a mushroom risotto from mushrooms I foraged locally.
Not only was it delicious but a Welsh choir of purple elephants sang the whole Bat Out Of Hell album accompanied by a light show.
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wrote on 18 Feb 2025, 13:26 last edited by
I signed up for my company’s 401k.
I’m a little nervous though. I’ve never run that far before.