So....
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wrote on 29 Apr 2023, 22:05 last edited by
Q: What would you want to say to your dad if he were still alive?
Me: “Sorry I cremated you Dad, I honestly thought you were dead.”
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wrote on 29 Apr 2023, 22:39 last edited by
Why do roosters crow so damn early?
To get a word in before the hens get up.
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wrote on 30 Apr 2023, 11:28 last edited by
Stop me if I've told this before....
Morty visits Dr. Saul, the veterinarian, and says, "My dog has a problem. ”
Dr. Saul says, "So, tell me about the dog and the problem.”
"It's a Jewish dog. His name is Seth and he can talk," says Morty.
"He can talk?" the doubting doctor asks.
"Watch this!" Morty points to the dog and commands: " Seth, Fetch!"
Seth the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and says,
"So why are you talking to me like that? You always order me around like I'm nothing. And you only call me when you want something. And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis.You give me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet. It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself! And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it's out of the house, a short pish, and right back home. Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much! I should roll over and play dead for real for all you care!"
Dr. Saul is amazed, "This is remarkable! So, what's the problem?"
Morty says, "He has a hearing problem! I said 'Fetch,' not 'Kvetch."
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wrote on 30 Apr 2023, 14:13 last edited by
I told a joke on a zoom meeting and nobody laughed.
Turns out I’m not remotely funny.
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wrote on 10 May 2023, 16:42 last edited by
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words....
"Stop shaking the ladder you little prick."
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wrote on 17 May 2023, 08:42 last edited by
I must really be getting old.
Yesterday I was at an antique auction and three people bid on me.
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wrote on 17 May 2023, 12:24 last edited by
So… my favorite childhood memory is my back not hurting.
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wrote on 26 May 2023, 11:03 last edited by
A U.S. Marine General was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the General decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was “work” and how much of it was “pleasure?”
A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.
A Captain said it was 50%-50%.
A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the General turned to the Private First Class who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young Private First Class responded, “Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.”
The General was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?
“Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.”
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wrote on 27 May 2023, 18:22 last edited by
Having sex on an elevator is wrong on so many levels.
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wrote on 27 May 2023, 20:54 last edited by
A British couple decided to adopt a German baby. They raised him for years, however they began to get worried because he never spoke, and they believed that he was mentally handicapped, going as far as to take him to therapy, which was fruitless. Then, when the child was 8 years old, he had a Strudle, and said "It is a little tepid."
His parents, of course shocked that he was suddenly speaking, asked: "Wolfgang, why have you never spoken before?", to which the child replied: "Up until now, everything had been satisfactory."
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wrote on 2 Jun 2023, 12:00 last edited by
I can't believe my girlfriend has dumped me just because I don't know how to read proper nouns correctly.
She went off to work and left me a note saying, Nail polish cleaner.
So I did. From behind.
And now I'm single.
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wrote on 19 Jun 2023, 15:26 last edited by
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wrote on 24 Jun 2023, 16:07 last edited by
California was the first state to make it illegal to smoke cigarettes indoors. Ever since then, the whole state has been on fire. -- Comic Tommy Drake
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So,
wrote on 19 Jul 2023, 01:37 last edited by -
wrote on 19 Jul 2023, 01:44 last edited by
@Jon LOL
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wrote on 19 Jul 2023, 11:54 last edited by
I dropped my glasses in the toilet.
Now I can’t see shit.
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wrote on 26 Jul 2023, 14:14 last edited by
I saw a microbiologist today.
He was much bigger than I expected.
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wrote on 31 Jul 2023, 00:27 last edited by
People are moaning about the weather.
At least it’s not snowing.
Imagine shoveling snow in this heat!
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wrote on 15 Aug 2023, 22:20 last edited by
There's nothing like putting on a warm pair of underwear fresh from the dryer.
Plus its fun to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
