So....
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wrote on 8 Dec 2022, 19:35 last edited by
I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives. -- Billy Connolly
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wrote on 9 Dec 2022, 00:29 last edited by
Why can’t Miss Piggy count to seventy?
At sixty-nine she gets a frog in her throat.
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wrote on 9 Dec 2022, 15:08 last edited by
Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit. -- Billy Connolly
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wrote on 9 Dec 2022, 21:12 last edited by
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.' -- Demetri Martin
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wrote on 9 Dec 2022, 21:36 last edited by
Coach: “How’s a beer sound, Norm?”
Norm: “I don't know, I usually finish before they get a word in.”
—Coach and Norm, Cheers -
wrote on 9 Dec 2022, 21:48 last edited by
“What they could do to make it easier is combine the two, real estate and obituaries: Mr. Klein died today leaving a wife, two children, and a spacious three-bedroom apartment with a wood-burning fireplace.”
—Harry (Billy Crystal) -
wrote on 11 Dec 2022, 23:19 last edited by
So…. My wife called me a sex machine.
Well, she said “you’re a fucking tool” but I knew what she meant.
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wrote on 11 Dec 2022, 23:20 last edited by
So… my next door neighbor is a porn star.
She’s going to be so mad when she finds out.
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wrote on 16 Dec 2022, 12:55 last edited by
Why aren't there any aspirin tablets in the jungle?
Because the parrots eat 'em all.
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wrote on 19 Dec 2022, 13:38 last edited by
Anthony Fauci now admits that funding gain of research on viruses was a mistake.
He says he should have been funding gain of function research on Joe Biden.
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wrote on 25 Dec 2022, 15:59 last edited by Catseye3
Did you hear about the Aggie who won a gold medal in the Olympics? He was so proud of it that he had it bronzed.
(Is this a Dad joke? It feels like a Dad joke.)
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wrote on 29 Dec 2022, 12:58 last edited by
Where do mansplainers get their water?
From a “well actually.”
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wrote on 31 Dec 2022, 01:12 last edited by
HELP!
I got a Labrador puppy at Xmas but realised pretty quickly that my girlfriend is allergic to her and as a result, I’m going to have to give her up.
I dont want money, I just need to know she's gone to a good home.
Her names Olivia , she's 42, decent figure and a good cook.
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wrote on 1 Jan 2023, 13:17 last edited by
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath."Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his dick in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:Are - my - test - results - back?"
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wrote on 9 Jan 2023, 20:10 last edited by
Alton Brown asks:
"Could someone help me with a culinary question: what is 'leftover bacon'?"
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wrote on 18 Jan 2023, 14:50 last edited by
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wrote on 22 Jan 2023, 12:22 last edited by
IT SNOWED LAST NIGHT
We received about 2 inches of snow yesterday and
8:00 am: I made a snowman.
8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified women everywhere.
8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snowmen instead.
8:22 - The transgender man.. women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and are not used to decorate snow figures.
8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:30 - I used food coloring to make one of the snow couple a different color and
be more racially inclusive.8:37 - Then accused of using a black face on the snowperson.
8:39 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be completely covered.
8:40 - The police arrived saying someone had been offended.
8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
8:43 - The 'council on equality' officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
8:45 - The TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snowwomen. I replied "Snowballs" and am now a sexist.
9:00 - I was on the news as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe, and sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.
9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding that I be arrested.
9:45 - The boss called and fired me because of the negative association with work that had been all over social media.
10:00 - I cry into my drink because all I wanted to do was build a snowman...
Moral: There ain't no moral to this story. It is what this world has become because of a bunch of snowflakes
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wrote on 24 Jan 2023, 02:15 last edited by
My friend Jack says he can communicate with vegetables. Jack and the beans talk.
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wrote on 24 Jan 2023, 02:18 last edited by
A wizard asked me to proof read one of his scrolls last week.
Actually, it was more of a Spell Check.
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wrote on 24 Jan 2023, 23:44 last edited by jon-nyc
My grandmother hates the new stairlift I bought her.
She says it drives her up the wall.