So....

[jon-nyc]

My idiot friend keeps saying, “Every time I go to Taco Bell, I get diarrhea.”

I said, “Try ordering Tacos instead.”

[Catseye3]

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat. --- George Carlin

[jon-nyc]

What do you call a woman who doesn’t give head?

A taxi.

[Catseye3]

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. -- Phyllis Diller

[George K]

The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup.

I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."

[Catseye3]

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives. -- Billy Connolly

[jon-nyc]

Why can’t Miss Piggy count to seventy?

At sixty-nine she gets a frog in her throat.

[Catseye3]

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit. -- Billy Connolly

[Catseye3]

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.' -- Demetri Martin

[Catseye3]

Coach: “How’s a beer sound, Norm?”
Norm: “I don't know, I usually finish before they get a word in.”
—Coach and Norm, Cheers

[Catseye3]

“What they could do to make it easier is combine the two, real estate and obituaries: Mr. Klein died today leaving a wife, two children, and a spacious three-bedroom apartment with a wood-burning fireplace.”
—Harry (Billy Crystal)

[jon-nyc]

So…. My wife called me a sex machine.

Well, she said “you’re a fucking tool” but I knew what she meant.

[jon-nyc]

So… my next door neighbor is a porn star.

She’s going to be so mad when she finds out.

[George K]

Why aren't there any aspirin tablets in the jungle?

Because the parrots eat 'em all.

[George K]

Anthony Fauci now admits that funding gain of research on viruses was a mistake.

He says he should have been funding gain of function research on Joe Biden.

[Catseye3]

Did you hear about the Aggie who won a gold medal in the Olympics? He was so proud of it that he had it bronzed.

(Is this a Dad joke? It feels like a Dad joke.)

[George K]

Where do mansplainers get their water?

From a “well actually.”

[George K]

HELP!

I got a Labrador puppy at Xmas but realised pretty quickly that my girlfriend is allergic to her and as a result, I’m going to have to give her up.

I dont want money, I just need to know she's gone to a good home.

Her names Olivia , she's 42, decent figure and a good cook.

[jon-nyc]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his dick in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"

[George K]

Alton Brown asks:

"Could someone help me with a culinary question: what is 'leftover bacon'?"