So....
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wrote on 4 Oct 2022, 01:08 last edited by
King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."
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wrote on 5 Oct 2022, 01:10 last edited by
What gives you butterflies no matter how many times you’ve done it?
Buying caterpillars.
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wrote on 5 Oct 2022, 02:51 last edited by
I’m so glad I took up kickboxing.
It’s really opened up a lot of doors for me.
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wrote on 5 Oct 2022, 02:54 last edited by
My wife gets terrible headaches whenever I cook with wheat, rice, or quinoa.
She really suffers from my grains.
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wrote on 16 Oct 2022, 11:40 last edited by
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time..."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving overseas somewhere.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. (I know, a tear is coming to my eye too)
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife
and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though...." -
wrote on 16 Oct 2022, 11:50 last edited by
Lol
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wrote on 16 Oct 2022, 17:22 last edited by
Jeffrey Dahmer’s bologna really did have a first name.
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wrote on 17 Oct 2022, 00:12 last edited by
Why did the Trans Man only eat Vegan?
Because he was a her before.
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Why did the Trans Man only eat Vegan?
Because he was a her before.
wrote on 17 Oct 2022, 00:17 last edited by@LuFins-Dad perfect.
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wrote on 18 Oct 2022, 23:02 last edited by jon-nyc
My girlfriend called me a gullible idiot and told me not to believe everything I read on the internet.
I told her I don’t have to put up with this shit, not when there are desperate horny milfs less than a mile from my house.
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wrote on 27 Oct 2022, 19:06 last edited by
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there would be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
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wrote on 31 Oct 2022, 16:06 last edited by
Seen on a T-shirt:
"If I said I'll fix it, I will. There is no need to remind me every six months."
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wrote on 5 Nov 2022, 16:11 last edited by
I now have an epipen. My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
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wrote on 8 Nov 2022, 00:33 last edited by
What’s the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
One looks up the family tree. The other looks up the family bush.
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wrote on 18 Nov 2022, 05:21 last edited by
Turn any sofa into a bed by telling your wife to calm down.
Follow me for more life hacks.
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wrote on 29 Nov 2022, 22:22 last edited by
What’s the non-binary agenda?
Trick question, they don’t have agenda
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Turn any sofa into a bed by telling your wife to calm down.
Follow me for more life hacks.
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wrote on 29 Nov 2022, 22:41 last edited by
I asked Karla where she wanted to go for date night.
She said she doesn’t care just so long as it’s somewhere she’s never been before….
So the kitchen it is…
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wrote on 1 Dec 2022, 21:10 last edited by
I asked my mirror yesterday if there is anybody prettier than me. The bastard is still reciting names.
