So....
-
Took my son out for his first pint today. I first got him a Fosters, he didn’t like it, I drank it. Then I got him a Budweiser, he didn’t like that either, so I drank it. It was the same with the Guinness and Cider.
By the time we got to whiskeys, I was so drunk I could hardly push the fucking pram.
-
The other day Siri told me a notification came up on my phone. I said “what is it”, and Siri said “it’s an alert from an app that shows up on your home screen, but that’s not important right now”.
That’s when I realized it was in Airplane mode.
-
King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."
-
What gives you butterflies no matter how many times you’ve done it?
Buying caterpillars.
-
I’m so glad I took up kickboxing.
It’s really opened up a lot of doors for me.
-
My wife gets terrible headaches whenever I cook with wheat, rice, or quinoa.
She really suffers from my grains.
-
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time..."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving overseas somewhere.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. (I know, a tear is coming to my eye too)
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife
and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though...." -
Lol
-
Jeffrey Dahmer’s bologna really did have a first name.
DON’T let them eat cake.
- RFK Jr -
Why did the Trans Man only eat Vegan?
Because he was a her before.
Me/rry/Christmas
-
@LuFins-Dad perfect.
-
My girlfriend called me a gullible idiot and told me not to believe everything I read on the internet.
I told her I don’t have to put up with this shit, not when there are desperate horny milfs less than a mile from my house.
-
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there would be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
-
I now have an epipen. My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
-
What’s the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
One looks up the family tree. The other looks up the family bush.
-
Turn any sofa into a bed by telling your wife to calm down.
Follow me for more life hacks.
