So....
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Go to the animal shelter for a dog and you’re a saint.
Go to the women’s shelter for a new girlfriend and everyone loses their minds.
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Me: One time I farted so long, I thought my butt was going to have to stop to catch its breath.
Interviewer: “….and a weakness?
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FIRST TEXT MESSAGE:
Hi, Morris. This is Saul, next door. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. When you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day and night, probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently. I know that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you.Morris, feeling enraged and betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, and shot Saul dead. He returned home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. Morris then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Saul.
SECOND TEXT MESSAGE:
Hi, Morris. Saul here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I assume you figured it out and noticed that the darned Spell-Check had changed "wi-fi" to "wife." Technology, hey? It'll be the death of us. -
When I ask how monkeypox is spread, I never get a straight answer.
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Jesus was supposed to be named Brian.
But then Mary stubbed her toe on the desk at the registry office.
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So… apparently it’s “rude” to ask the parents of a kid on a leash if it was a rescue.
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I took my grandpa to one of those spas where the fish eat away all the dead tissue.
It cost $150 but it was cheaper than cremation.
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People ask “where’s Bigfoot?”, but they never ask “how’s Bigfoot?”
Yeti never complains.
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If really good-looking people are “eye candy”, I guess that puts me somewhere in the “eye-broccoli” category.
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I keep trying to reunite the Beatles but I can never get a clean shot.
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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Did you hear about the non-binary gold prospector?
They found gold in them/their hills.