So....
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I put a banana down my pants to attract the ladies at the bar.
Didn't work.
Tonight I will put it in the front.
That's a version of the old joke about Sven and Ole going to the beach to get some girls. Ole asks Sven how it is that Sven gets all the girls' attention. Sven says, "Oh, ja, vell dat's cuz I put a potato in my svim trunks, doncha know."
Ole is impressed with Sven's ingenuity, so he tries it the next day at the beach. To his dismay, it doesn't work at all. In fact, the girls like him even less than before.
Ole asks Sven how it is that the potato trick didn't work for him. Sven replies, "Ya put it in da front, Ole! In da front!"
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After sex the other night, I was worried that I had ejaculated prematurely. But my wife assured me it was ok.
It was a load off my mind.
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The worst thing about getting gas right now is how long it takes to fill out the loan application.
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In dog beers I've only had one.
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So… I spent last night defrosting the fridge.
Or foreplay, as she likes to call it.
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How come Jim isn’t at work today?
He’s in the hospital.
The hospital? But I saw him dancing with some chick last night.
Yeah, so did his wife.
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A man rushes his wife to the ER. For 2 hours he paces back and forth, waiting to hear something from the Dr. Finally the Dr. Come into the waiting room.
Dr: "Sir, your wife doesn't look very good."
Man: "Y eah, I know... but she's a good cook and the kids seem to like her...."
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The version I heard….
Cop shows up at the door, talks to the guy there.
“I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but it looks like your wife got run over by a bus”
“Yeah I know but she takes it up the ass and is good with the kids”.
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Lol....
Dr. "Mr. Smith, you're going to have to stop masturbating.."
Mr. Smith : "Why?"
Dr. : "Because I'm trying to clean your teeth,......."
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Scientists announced that dolphins are second to man in intelligence.
I guess that pushes women down to third place.
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The guy that coined the term “one hit wonder” never came up with another catchy phrase.
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My friend had strobe lights installed in his bedroom. He says the sex is the same, but his wife looks like she’s moving.
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What's the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?
The taste.
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I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people...
...but none of them work.
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So this guy with premature ejaculation comes outta nowhere...
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Yo momma so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund.
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I heard this cool music coming from my printer last night.
Apparently my paper was jamming.
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My wife and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.
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@George-K "That kind of thing???"
WTF did he think you were trying to do???
Success is measured by your discipline and inner peace. – Mike Ditka
