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My daughter came out today and told us she identifies as a musical instrument.
I’ve always had suspicions about our Monica.
What’s the difference between USA and USB?
One connects to your devices and accesses all of your data. The other is a hardware standard.
I told my Chinese girlfriend last night I wanted 69.
She said “why do you want beef and broccoli now?”
Did you know pigeons can only have sex once, then they die?
At least the one I fucked.
So.....
At the store there's a great big "X" painted on the floor near the cash register to tell me where to stand...
I've seen too many Road Runner movies to fall for THAT one......
The next time you do something that makes you feel stupid, just remember that Kim Kardashian played poker wearing mirrored sunglasses.
Studies have shown people eat more bananas than monkeys.
Come to think of it, I can’t even remember the last time I ate a monkey.
@jon-nyc said in So....:
I can’t even remember the last time I ate a monkey.
That's not what you told me last week.
racist
Therapist: What would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: I’m sorry for cremating you. We honestly thought you were dead.
Having sex before going to work makes you feel like a manager.
I almost fired my boss today.
My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
I asked my wife to polish my medieval battle uniform while I go to the pub.
She always said she wanted a night in, shining armour.
So....
I've always wondered why mosquitos don't become lawyers.
They're already blood sucking parasites, all they need is a briefcase....
So..,, A farmer"s wife left him after she caught him having sex with one of the horses..
It was her worst fucking night mare....
For years I was a circus performer. For my act, I would place a walnut on a table, then take out my Johnson, swing it at the walnut and crack it open.
Recently though I've switched to a coconut.
My eyesight isn't what it used to be....
So...
My doctor told me I could touch myself any time I wanted to.
Well.... his exact words were "you could have a stroke at any time" but hey.....
The worst thing to feel during a prostate exam is two hands on your shoulders....
"IT'S A BOY!! IT'S A BOY!!" I yelled, as i made a mental note to never visit Thailand again...
