So....

[jon-nyc]

My daughter came out today and told us she identifies as a musical instrument.

I’ve always had suspicions about our Monica.

[George K]

What’s the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to your devices and accesses all of your data. The other is a hardware standard.

[jon-nyc]

I told my Chinese girlfriend last night I wanted 69.

She said “why do you want beef and broccoli now?”

[jon-nyc]

Did you know pigeons can only have sex once, then they die?

At least the one I fucked.

[Larry]

So.....

At the store there's a great big "X" painted on the floor near the cash register to tell me where to stand...

I've seen too many Road Runner movies to fall for THAT one......

[Catseye3]

The next time you do something that makes you feel stupid, just remember that Kim Kardashian played poker wearing mirrored sunglasses.

[jon-nyc]

Studies have shown people eat more bananas than monkeys.

Come to think of it, I can’t even remember the last time I ate a monkey.

[Aqua's Sister]

@jon-nyc said in So....:

I can’t even remember the last time I ate a monkey.

That's not what you told me last week.

[Horace]

racist

[George K]

[jon-nyc]

Therapist: What would you say to your dad if he were alive today?

Me: I’m sorry for cremating you. We honestly thought you were dead.

[George K]

Having sex before going to work makes you feel like a manager.

I almost fired my boss today.

[George K]

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.

[jon-nyc]

I asked my wife to polish my medieval battle uniform while I go to the pub.

She always said she wanted a night in, shining armour.

[Larry]

So....

I've always wondered why mosquitos don't become lawyers.

They're already blood sucking parasites, all they need is a briefcase....

[Larry]

So..,,
A farmer"s wife left him after she caught him having sex with one of the horses..

It was her worst fucking night mare....

[Larry]

So....

For years I was a circus performer. For my act, I would place a walnut on a table, then take out my Johnson, swing it at the walnut and crack it open.

Recently though I've switched to a coconut.

My eyesight isn't what it used to be....

[Larry]

So...

My doctor told me I could touch myself any time I wanted to.

Well.... his exact words were "you could have a stroke at any time" but hey.....

[Larry]

So....

The worst thing to feel during a prostate exam is two hands on your shoulders....

[Larry]

So...

"IT'S A BOY!! IT'S A BOY!!" I yelled, as i made a mental note to never visit Thailand again...