So....

[jon-nyc]

I just got a full tank of gas for $22.

Granted, it was for my lawnmower but I’m trying to stay positive.

[George K]

A woman weightlifter goes to the doctor.

“I’ve been taking steroids and now I’ve grown a cock!”

“Anabolic?” asks the doctor.

“No just the cock!”

[Catseye3]

I have a fish that can breakdance! Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.

[George K]

A British Jew is waiting in line to be knighted by the Queen. He is to kneel in front of her and recite a sentence in Latin when she taps him on the shoulders with her sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, which he remembers from the Passover seder:

"Ma nishtana ha layla ha zeh mi kol ha laylot."

Puzzled, Her Majesty turns to her advisor and whispers, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?"

[jon-nyc]

Sitting here in ER. I don’t want to go into details, let’s just say the “Dyson Ball Cleaner” is a very misleading product name.

[jon-nyc]

My daughter came out today and told us she identifies as a musical instrument.

I’ve always had suspicions about our Monica.

[George K]

What’s the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to your devices and accesses all of your data. The other is a hardware standard.

[jon-nyc]

I told my Chinese girlfriend last night I wanted 69.

She said “why do you want beef and broccoli now?”

[jon-nyc]

Did you know pigeons can only have sex once, then they die?

At least the one I fucked.

[Larry]

So.....

At the store there's a great big "X" painted on the floor near the cash register to tell me where to stand...

I've seen too many Road Runner movies to fall for THAT one......

[Catseye3]

The next time you do something that makes you feel stupid, just remember that Kim Kardashian played poker wearing mirrored sunglasses.

[jon-nyc]

Studies have shown people eat more bananas than monkeys.

Come to think of it, I can’t even remember the last time I ate a monkey.

[Aqua's Sister]

@jon-nyc said in So....:

I can’t even remember the last time I ate a monkey.

That's not what you told me last week.

[Horace]

racist

[George K]

[jon-nyc]

Therapist: What would you say to your dad if he were alive today?

Me: I’m sorry for cremating you. We honestly thought you were dead.

[George K]

Having sex before going to work makes you feel like a manager.

I almost fired my boss today.

[George K]

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.

[jon-nyc]

I asked my wife to polish my medieval battle uniform while I go to the pub.

She always said she wanted a night in, shining armour.

[Larry]

So....

I've always wondered why mosquitos don't become lawyers.

They're already blood sucking parasites, all they need is a briefcase....