So....
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My daughter came out today and told us she identifies as a musical instrument.
I’ve always had suspicions about our Monica.
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I told my Chinese girlfriend last night I wanted 69.
She said “why do you want beef and broccoli now?”
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Did you know pigeons can only have sex once, then they die?
At least the one I fucked.
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Studies have shown people eat more bananas than monkeys.
Come to think of it, I can’t even remember the last time I ate a monkey.
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Therapist: What would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: I’m sorry for cremating you. We honestly thought you were dead.
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I asked my wife to polish my medieval battle uniform while I go to the pub.
She always said she wanted a night in, shining armour.