So....

[Larry]

We couldnt decide if we wanted to bury my mother in law or have her cremated...

So in the end we decided to let her live....

[Larry]

My wife told me the best way to perform oral sex was to spell out the alphabet with my tongue.

I got pretty good at it too..

She left me for some Chinese guy....

[Larry]

When i was young my mother would say "just look at your messy room!! You'll never get a decent, self respecting girl to come back here.."

Luckily, those weren't the ones I was going for.....

[jon-nyc]

I’m pretty excited, I just got final confirmation from my loan officer.

I’m closing on a full tank of gas this weekend.

[Larry]

My wife told me I wasn't romantic enough...

A while ago we were on the couch kissing and she said "what do you say we take this to the bedroom?"

I said "ok... you get that end...."

[Larry]

Why is it that when women go to the bathroom in pairs no one cares, but when I did it they threw me out of the restaurant?

[Larry]

I recently lost my thesaurus.

I just can't find the words to describe how upset I am....

[Larry]

I just finished reading a book on Stockholm Syndrome.

It started out really bad but by the time I got to the end I loved it.....

[jon-nyc]

I checked Kelly Blue Book to see the value of my car.

It asked me if the tank was empty or full.

[jon-nyc]

Gas has gotten so expensive, rappers are now drinking it in music videos.

[jon-nyc]

My new girlfriend is 7’4”

This might be TMI, but she loves it when I go up on her.

[George K]

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins.

I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

[jon-nyc]

What's the difference between Disney and PornHub?

Disney wants you to hate your stepmom.

[Larry]

So....

This big, burly, mean looking guy says to me "if you saw me breaking into your house one night, would you call 911"

I said "nope. I'd call 811."

He says "why would you call 811 instead of 911?"

I said "911 is who you call when you need help. 811 is who you call before you dig."

[jon-nyc]

So I went to the sperm bank yesterday.

The lady asked me if I’d like to masturbate in the cup.

I said “I’m good but I’m not ready to compete in a tournament quite yet”.

[George K]

She: "Hey, JC! Don't go to the office today!"

He: "Thanks for the tip, Cal, but I have work to do."

[Catseye3]

@jon-nyc “I’m good but I’m not ready to compete in a tournament quite yet”.

ROFL!!!

[George K]

BREAKING NEWS!

Police are warning of a large volume of fake passports and photo driving licences hitting the black market today.

Beware the IDs of March...

[jon-nyc]

Scientists are studying the effects of cannabis on seabirds.

They've left no tern unstoned.

[jon-nyc]

My girlfriend is great. She never says no to a shag, has great tits and even swallows.

But her bird collecting has gone far enough now.