The New Coffee Room

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jon-nyc

wrote on last edited by

#582

I’m pretty excited, I just got final confirmation from my loan officer.

I’m closing on a full tank of gas this weekend.
Only non-witches get due process.

Cotton Mather, Salem Massachusetts, 1692
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Larry

wrote on last edited by

#583

My wife told me I wasn't romantic enough...

A while ago we were on the couch kissing and she said "what do you say we take this to the bedroom?"

I said "ok... you get that end...."
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Larry

wrote on last edited by

#584

Why is it that when women go to the bathroom in pairs no one cares, but when I did it they threw me out of the restaurant?
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Larry

wrote on last edited by

#585

I recently lost my thesaurus.

I just can't find the words to describe how upset I am....
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Larry

wrote on last edited by

#586

I just finished reading a book on Stockholm Syndrome.

It started out really bad but by the time I got to the end I loved it.....
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jon-nyc

wrote on last edited by

#587

I checked Kelly Blue Book to see the value of my car.

It asked me if the tank was empty or full.
Only non-witches get due process.

Cotton Mather, Salem Massachusetts, 1692
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jon-nyc

wrote on last edited by

#588

Gas has gotten so expensive, rappers are now drinking it in music videos.
Only non-witches get due process.

Cotton Mather, Salem Massachusetts, 1692
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jon-nyc

wrote on last edited by

#589

My new girlfriend is 7’4”

This might be TMI, but she loves it when I go up on her.
Only non-witches get due process.

Cotton Mather, Salem Massachusetts, 1692
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George K

wrote on last edited by

#590

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins.

I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
"Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... " - Mik, 6/14/08

The saying, "Lite is just one damn thing after another," is a gross understatement. The damn things overlap.
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jon-nyc

wrote on last edited by

#591

What's the difference between Disney and PornHub?

Disney wants you to hate your stepmom.
Only non-witches get due process.

Cotton Mather, Salem Massachusetts, 1692
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Larry

wrote on last edited by

#592

So....

This big, burly, mean looking guy says to me "if you saw me breaking into your house one night, would you call 911"

I said "nope. I'd call 811."

He says "why would you call 811 instead of 911?"

I said "911 is who you call when you need help. 811 is who you call before you dig."
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jon-nyc

wrote on last edited by

#593

So I went to the sperm bank yesterday.

The lady asked me if I’d like to masturbate in the cup.

I said “I’m good but I’m not ready to compete in a tournament quite yet”.
Only non-witches get due process.

Cotton Mather, Salem Massachusetts, 1692
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George K

wrote on last edited by

#594

She: "Hey, JC! Don't go to the office today!"

He: "Thanks for the tip, Cal, but I have work to do."
"Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... " - Mik, 6/14/08

The saying, "Lite is just one damn thing after another," is a gross understatement. The damn things overlap.
1 Reply Last reply
J jon-nyc

So I went to the sperm bank yesterday.

The lady asked me if I’d like to masturbate in the cup.

I said “I’m good but I’m not ready to compete in a tournament quite yet”.
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Catseye3

wrote on last edited by

#595

@jon-nyc “I’m good but I’m not ready to compete in a tournament quite yet”.

ROFL!!!
Success is measured by your discipline and inner peace. – Mike Ditka
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George K

wrote on last edited by

#596

BREAKING NEWS!

Police are warning of a large volume of fake passports and photo driving licences hitting the black market today.

Beware the IDs of March...
"Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... " - Mik, 6/14/08

The saying, "Lite is just one damn thing after another," is a gross understatement. The damn things overlap.
1 Reply Last reply
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jon-nyc

wrote on last edited by

#597

Scientists are studying the effects of cannabis on seabirds.

They've left no tern unstoned.
Only non-witches get due process.

Cotton Mather, Salem Massachusetts, 1692
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jon-nyc

wrote on last edited by

#598

My girlfriend is great. She never says no to a shag, has great tits and even swallows.

But her bird collecting has gone far enough now.
Only non-witches get due process.

Cotton Mather, Salem Massachusetts, 1692
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J jon-nyc

My girlfriend is great. She never says no to a shag, has great tits and even swallows.

But her bird collecting has gone far enough now.
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George K

wrote on last edited by

#599

@jon-nyc said in So....:

My girlfriend is great. She never says no to a shag, has great tits and even swallows.

But her bird collecting has gone far enough now.

LOL.

(cheap) Scotch everywhere, even though the punchline was telegraphed.
"Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... " - Mik, 6/14/08

The saying, "Lite is just one damn thing after another," is a gross understatement. The damn things overlap.
1 Reply Last reply
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jon-nyc

wrote on last edited by

#600

The doctor said I need to eat more whole foods.

So I’ll be eating this whole bag of chips and this whole pizza for lunch.
Only non-witches get due process.

Cotton Mather, Salem Massachusetts, 1692
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Larry

wrote on last edited by Larry

#601

"I saw a prostitute last week who had completely destroyed her life by doing drugs."

"Smoking crack?"

"Yeah.... her tits were nice too....."
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