So....

[Larry]

My wife's dog died. I wanted to cheer her up so I went out and bought her another one just like it.

She got so mad at me.

"What am I going to do with 2 dead dogs???"

[Larry]

I went to the doctor.. I pulled out my penis and said "I'm a little premature."

She said "I'll say.... I'm the receptionist..."

[Larry]

I picked this girl up in a bar the other night and we went to a motel. After a few mi tues I said "I'm sorry, but I seem to be having trouble getting an erection."

She said "don't worry about it. That used to happen to me too...."

[Larry]

I saw some people of the street today holding up a sign saying they were collecting money for Parkinson's research..

They were all shaking cans, which I thought was a bit insensitive...

[Larry]

I was watching a really strange porno movie the other day. 30 minutes of some old guy sitting there wanking off and crying....

Then I noticed I'd forgotten to turn on the tv...

[Larry]

I called the rape advice hotline the other day..

Apparently it's intended for only victims....

[Larry]

We couldnt decide if we wanted to bury my mother in law or have her cremated...

So in the end we decided to let her live....

[Larry]

My wife told me the best way to perform oral sex was to spell out the alphabet with my tongue.

I got pretty good at it too..

She left me for some Chinese guy....

[Larry]

When i was young my mother would say "just look at your messy room!! You'll never get a decent, self respecting girl to come back here.."

Luckily, those weren't the ones I was going for.....

[jon-nyc]

I’m pretty excited, I just got final confirmation from my loan officer.

I’m closing on a full tank of gas this weekend.

[Larry]

My wife told me I wasn't romantic enough...

A while ago we were on the couch kissing and she said "what do you say we take this to the bedroom?"

I said "ok... you get that end...."

[Larry]

Why is it that when women go to the bathroom in pairs no one cares, but when I did it they threw me out of the restaurant?

[Larry]

I recently lost my thesaurus.

I just can't find the words to describe how upset I am....

[Larry]

I just finished reading a book on Stockholm Syndrome.

It started out really bad but by the time I got to the end I loved it.....

[jon-nyc]

I checked Kelly Blue Book to see the value of my car.

It asked me if the tank was empty or full.

[jon-nyc]

Gas has gotten so expensive, rappers are now drinking it in music videos.

[jon-nyc]

My new girlfriend is 7’4”

This might be TMI, but she loves it when I go up on her.

[George K]

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins.

I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

[jon-nyc]

What's the difference between Disney and PornHub?

Disney wants you to hate your stepmom.

[Larry]

So....

This big, burly, mean looking guy says to me "if you saw me breaking into your house one night, would you call 911"

I said "nope. I'd call 811."

He says "why would you call 811 instead of 911?"

I said "911 is who you call when you need help. 811 is who you call before you dig."