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Knock Knock
Who's there
Grandpa
Oh shit! Stop the funeral!!
My wife's dog died. I wanted to cheer her up so I went out and bought her another one just like it.
She got so mad at me.
"What am I going to do with 2 dead dogs???"
I went to the doctor.. I pulled out my penis and said "I'm a little premature."
She said "I'll say.... I'm the receptionist..."
I picked this girl up in a bar the other night and we went to a motel. After a few mi tues I said "I'm sorry, but I seem to be having trouble getting an erection."
She said "don't worry about it. That used to happen to me too...."
I saw some people of the street today holding up a sign saying they were collecting money for Parkinson's research..
They were all shaking cans, which I thought was a bit insensitive...
I was watching a really strange porno movie the other day. 30 minutes of some old guy sitting there wanking off and crying....
Then I noticed I'd forgotten to turn on the tv...
I called the rape advice hotline the other day..
Apparently it's intended for only victims....
We couldnt decide if we wanted to bury my mother in law or have her cremated...
So in the end we decided to let her live....
My wife told me the best way to perform oral sex was to spell out the alphabet with my tongue.
I got pretty good at it too..
She left me for some Chinese guy....
When i was young my mother would say "just look at your messy room!! You'll never get a decent, self respecting girl to come back here.."
Luckily, those weren't the ones I was going for.....
I’m pretty excited, I just got final confirmation from my loan officer.
I’m closing on a full tank of gas this weekend.
My wife told me I wasn't romantic enough...
A while ago we were on the couch kissing and she said "what do you say we take this to the bedroom?"
I said "ok... you get that end...."
Why is it that when women go to the bathroom in pairs no one cares, but when I did it they threw me out of the restaurant?
I recently lost my thesaurus.
I just can't find the words to describe how upset I am....
I just finished reading a book on Stockholm Syndrome.
It started out really bad but by the time I got to the end I loved it.....
I checked Kelly Blue Book to see the value of my car.
It asked me if the tank was empty or full.
Gas has gotten so expensive, rappers are now drinking it in music videos.
My new girlfriend is 7’4”
This might be TMI, but she loves it when I go up on her.
I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins.
I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
What's the difference between Disney and PornHub?
Disney wants you to hate your stepmom.
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