So....
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So…. I spent $350 on a limousine only to find out it didn’t include the cost of the driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffeur it!
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I was having sex with my friend’s wife and her phone rang. I recognized his voice so I started quietly getting dressed. She hung up and said “it’s ok, we have time. He’s out having drinks with you”.
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So…. I had a prostate exam yesterday.
That’s the last time I fall asleep on the train.
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When I win the lottery I’m giving money to Charity.
If she’s not dancing that night I’ll give it to Destiny.
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I once felt like a boy trapped in a girl’s body.
Then I was born.
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Millennials: Walking around like they rent the place.
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There may be no "I" in team, but there's a "U" in suck.
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This morning I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick instead of chap stick.
She still isn't talking to me.
It’s always something.
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I must have asked 50 people what LGBTQ+ stands for. So far nobody has given me a straight answer.
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My superpower is proofreading skills.
After I hit 'send'.
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The next time you hate your life, remember it's all about perspective. I have a friend who exercises twice a day, reads two books a week, and has sex 2-3 times a day, yet he complains about how much he hates prison.
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I went into a burger joint for lunch today and the woman behind the counter had a badge on her left breast that said Pat.
To make a long story short, I am now banned from Burger King.
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When I meet a woman I try to see what’s in her heart.
It’s not my fault her tits are in the way.
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Nervous of flying? Don't be.
As long as the 2 million parts in a plane work perfectly while travelling at close to the speed of sound as sharp metal blades rotate at supersonic speeds in temperatures of -65 degrees 7 miles above the Earth's surface, you'll be absolutely fine.
